September 2010

Fall – a season that brings the end of a hot summer.  Cool breezes, crops harvested.  Yet it is also the beginning of the end for many plants.  Fall is when leaves begin to turn colors – beautiful, vibrant colors.  But after the colors fade, the leaves fall to the ground.  From the perspective of the leaf, this is a tragedy.  Life is over.  But we are able to see from a larger perspective.  We can see that because the leaves fall and the tree rests during the winter, storing up nutrients, new leaves will be ready to bud and burst forth in the spring.  Yes, fall leads to winter – often cold, dark, dreary.  But fall also leads to spring. 

Whatever season you are in right now, it is leading to a spring.  Realistically, every season also leads to fall – it’s a circle that goes on and on and on.  We can see the glass half full and see how everything is leading toward spring and new life, or we can see the glass as half empty and dread the coming falls and winters of our lives.  God is here with us in each season, desiring to teach us more about Him, drawing us closer to Him, showering more and more blessings upon us.  But we must look up, to the sky, rather than down to the ground where the leaves will find their final resting places. 

This fall, as you see leaves changing colors, remember God’s promises to you.

Leviticus 26:3-5 (New International Version)

 ³ " 'If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, ⁴ I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit. ⁵ Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.

Deuteronomy 11:13-15 (New International Version)

 ¹³ So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- ¹⁴ then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil. ¹⁵ I will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied.

Galatians 6:9 (New International Version)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Season in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 
Immortalized in song and poetry, this passage teaches that there's a time and place for everything. On the one hand it's a sobering reminder that nothing lasts forever; but it's also encouraging to know that difficult times will eventually but inevitably be followed by times of peace. God is in control of it all. 

¹ There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

August - Pamper Yourself!

Don't skip over this blog post.  I know, I know, who has time for pampering?  And especially in the midst of grief, who even cares about pampering yourself?  Isn't getting out of bed a good enough goal?  Maybe a shower, possibly a homecooked meal?  Yes and no.  Yes, there is most definitely a time of being in survival mode, and that is ok. But there is also a time when the path to really living again includes doing a few things for yourself, simply because they are enjoyable.  


We started the August gathering by writing down some of the things that are our favorites - restaurant, drink, candy bar, movie, author, music, vacation type, flower, color, season, etc.  Then I posed a question to the ladies: what would happen if the church building was hit by a storm and badly damaged?  (I admitted to them that this was random, but that it'd come together in time...they were gracious and went along!)  They listed several steps: hold a meeting, rebuild, call insurance, pray, figure out exactly what needs to be done, freak out, share news on facebook, do some fundraising, clean up.  


These things seemed pretty obvious, but what do we do when a storm hits our lives?  Do we meet with others who care about us and/or who have been impacted by the storm?  Do we even want to clean up and rebuild?  Do we call the insurance agent?  (God is the insurance agent - He restores all things and gives us what is needed as we rebuild.)  


Losses that come from miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility affect us in all areas - physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  Regardless of our natural inclination, we must push through and take care of ourselves.  This is not a guilt trip - not just one more thing on our "should" list!  First let's figure out why God wants us to take care of ourselves.


Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


The world's pattern is to find something and take it to an extreme.  You like an occasional alcoholic beverage?  Drink as much and as often as you want.  You like food?  Eat whatever and whenever you please.  You like to be alone?  Never venture out to be with others.  You like to shop?  Buy everything you like.  The world is not exactly about moderation or balance.  But God calls us to not conform to the world's pattern.  He knows it is destructive.  He calls us to renew our minds.  Yes, crazy thoughts come during times of grief, and that's ok.  But we cannot allow ourselves to dwell on those thoughts.  Renewing our minds does not only mean to toss out thoughts that aren't pleasing and perfect and honorable - renewing means to replace those "bad" thoughts with good thoughts.  True thoughts.  Thoughts that bring us closer to God and closer to healing.  This isn't pretending the hurt is not there; this is choosing how reality will look in your life, what the ramifications of what has happened will be.


1 Corinthians 6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.


As Christians, God, through the Holy Spirit, lives in our bodies.  For those who lived in Bible times, the idea of taking care of God's temple was a super big deal.  There were strict rules about His temple.  They understood the awesomeness and magnificence surrounding His presence.  Sometimes we take for granted that He now lives in us.  We forget that others are supposed to see God when they see us.  We sometimes think that we are actually doing a good thing to work so hard that we don't get enough sleep, or to avoid fun things because there's always something "more important" to do instead.  However, it is only when we take care of ourselves that our bodies can honor God, and point others to Him, in the way that He intended.


The next random question I posed to the gals: how would you want people to remember you when you die?  What would you want your loved ones to do?  They mentioned things like finding ways to honor their memory, new traditions to start, mourning but in time finding life again, laughing, moving on.  Moving on didn't mean forgetting or dishonoring; while we all hope that our lives meant something to others and that we'd be missed, nobody wanted to think that those they love would forever grieve and miss out on the abundant life.  


So now we know how we'd want others to respond to our own death...but is that how we are responding to the deaths of our babies?  Or are we closing up shop, merely existing, afraid to venture out and try new things, afraid to laugh or smile?  Are we believing the lie that anything good or enjoyable somehow dishonors the precious lives we wish were still here?  Perhaps by trudging through the darkness and one day seeing light and brilliant color once again - perhaps by not giving up and by seeking out ways to care for ourselves we will actually bring honor and even more meaning to those for whom we mourn.


We ended with a list of ideas of ways to take care of ourselves.  And a challenge was issued - strive to do at least most of these things in the coming month.  See how it can make a positive difference, how it can bring an important fresh perspective to everything going on.


Ways I can take care of myself:
Get enough rest
Dare to hope
Dream
Remember past blessings
Give thanks for small things
Enjoy a favorite food or drink
Get a manicure or pedicure
Get a massage
Spend reflective time alone
Spend time with a good friend
Laugh
Take a break from being strong
Take slow deep breaths
Listen to music
Sing as loudly as you can
Do something artsy or creative
Learn something new
Read a book just because it sounds good
Exercise
Take a long bath
Visit somewhere new
Bless someone in a similar situation


What will you do today?  This week?  This month?  Add to the list.  Work on these things with another person.  Dare to walk the road ahead of you - even if it includes beautiful fragrant flowers.

July gathering

How many kids do you have?
Don't you guys want to have kids?
Want to have another baby?
When are you due?

You're young, you can have another baby
Heaven needed another angel
There must've been something wrong with the baby


***

People can say some pretty insensitive things.  Most of the time people mean well; unfortunately knowing they mean well doesn't take away the initial sting from their comments.  So what do we do as Christians, seeking to be more Christ-like every day, when we hear these things?

Let's start with some verses.

Philippians 4:4-5  "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near."

Even when it doesn't feel like it,God is near.  He sees us, hears us, knows what we're feeling.  And yet He calls us to be gentle.  As hard as that may seem, when harsh replies are on the tips of our tongues, where He calls He also provides.  He does not ask us to do that which we cannot, with His help, accomplish.

Ephesians 6:12  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

As much as an individual can seem like the enemy with their insensitive remarks or actions, the hurts we feel are sent straight from our real enemy, God's enemy.  It is that enemy who seeks to destroy our sense of peace and contentment, to steal our joy and trust and hope.  We cannot succumb to the temptation to believe his lies and doubt all we know to be true.

1 Corinthians 3:16  "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?"

This is perhaps the best news of the Bible, apart from the message of the Gospel.  God's Spirit lives in each of us!  We are not alone, we are not overlooked, we are not helpless, we do not have to do things in our own strength.  Because His Spirit lives in us, we are able to respond in a gentle and full-of-grace manner.

Galatians 5:22  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

I don't know about you, but when I am hurt or offended, the last things I want to exhibit are these fruits.  I want to say what I am thinking, act in anger or defensiveness, withdraw in hurt, or slip into a serious funk.  But, with that awesome Spirit inside of us, we can instead manifest HIS fruits.  And how much better life is when we choose His fruits over our own.

Proverbs 18:21  "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Perhaps we feel that another person's tongue is delivering death to our lives.  While it may defy human logic, we will never help a situation by returning death via our own tongues.  In every moment, in every reply, in every word, we have the power to deliver life to another person.  This may mean overlooking what they have said or done.  It may mean lovingly correcting them or educating them.  It may mean showering blessings upon them.  I want to eat life-giving fruit, not gross moldy fruit.  What is my tongue planting today?  I will reap what I sow more than others will reap what I sow.  Yes, they'll be impacted, but not to the degree I will be impacted.

Ephesians 4:29-30  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Oh, this verse again.  I can't get away from it for long!!  (And for that I am thankful, don't get me wrong.)  Sometimes what is true is still wrong to say.  Does it meet the criteria of these verses?  Is it going to build up the other person?  Will it meet their needs?  (Not my needs of venting or being understood, but their needs.)  Is it rooted in bitterness, rage, slander, or malice?  Is it kind and compassionate and reflecting my forgiveness of another's wrongs?  If what I want to say fails even one of these tests, I am not to say it.  Some days that means it will be mighty quiet around here....

Proverbs 31:26  "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."

Can this be said of me?  In good times only? Or also in the midst of trials, grief, offense?  Are my words faithful to my Maker?  Or do they reveal that there is more ugly in my heart than Godliness?  It is hard to think of others in the midst of our grief.  It may seem that all we can do is struggle to make it through each day, much less consider how what we're about to say will affect another.  However, there are not any disclaimers to God's Word.  What is true today is true tomorrow and was true yesterday.  He does not tell us that in certain circumstances we can disregard what He has commanded.  That HAS to mean He is right there by our side, ready to equip us and speak for and through us.  He will, through the Spirit, answer in a loving manner.

We talked about how the relationship we have with a person often determines how we will receive what they will say.  If we already trust their motives and their heart, we will likely hear their words through a loving filter. If we have a difficult relationship with them, or barely any relationship with them, we are more likely to interpret their words as offensive.  Realizing this can help us see more clearly and figure out an appropriate response.

Finally, sometimes we need to examine our hearts.  What is causing us to react in anger?  What are we believing that is not true?  Do we believe we are alone, forgotten, wronged, punished - and what the other person just did or said seems to prove our belief to be true?  It can be challenging, but try to empower the other person through your response.  Empower them to support you in your situation, and/or empower them to be more understanding and sensitive with others in the future.  This may require taking some time to collect your thoughts (hours, days, weeks, months, etc.) until you are sure your response is God-honoring.

People will continue to say and do hurtful things.  There is no avoiding it.  And, honestly, I know that I from time to time say hurtful things to others - perhaps without having any idea the negative impact I had upon another person.  The good news is that God's power within us is more than great enough to reply in a way that brings Him glory, and moves us one step closer to healing.

June gathering

May gathering

We tell people that you do not have to be fully healed or "moved on" (whatever that means) before you can share what God has taught and is teaching.  Nor do you have to be done grieving before you can bless another person.  (Good thing, since we're never really done grieving!)  In May, Cathy Bonnesen was proof of both those statements.  A dear friend, she agreed to share with us her journey.

Her topic: girdling roots.  A master gardener, Cathy has extensive knowledge about all things green.  She had been working on their landscaping and noticed that one tree was not doing so well.  Upon closer inspection, it became clear that the tree was suffering from girdling roots.  Basically that means that the roots grow around themselves, around the base of the tree, instead of going out in all directions.  The problem is that over time the roots will strangle the tree, as they won't allow the tree to continue growing.

Cathy shared some of her story, which includes infertility and miscarriage.  She read Psalm 103:1-2 

"Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name. ² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits"

She and her son Noah, whom she homeschools, had studied the elephant.  Most of us were probably taught that an elephant never forgets.  The above verses challenged Cathy to remember what God has done, to never forget the "benefits" He has placed in her life.  The dictionary defines "benefits" as an act of kindness, something that provides well-being.  Strongs Concordance defines it this way: to treat a person well, to bestow upon, deal bountifully, do good, reward, ripen.


Psalm 103 goes on to say: 


"³ who forgives all your sins

       and heals all your diseases,
 ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,
 ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."


What are some ways we can "forget not" what God has done for us, especially in the midst of tragedy, grief, or trials?  Cathy suggested finding meaningful scriptures in the Bible and putting them in prominent places in our homes.  Take notes over a teaching message and look over it periodically.  Make a list of things for which you are thankful and review it regularly.  Journal good things that happen.  


Psalm 77:12 says " I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."


Meditate means to "murmur in pleasure or anger, to ponder, imagine, study" (Strongs)


At times we can over-meditate, or meditate over the wrong things.  It's easy to meditate over what ISN'T happening, over the losses we have had, what someone else's life looks like, etc.  It can be unhealthy for us.


Here's where the concept of girdling roots comes in.  Cathy showed us some pictures of girdling roots, and explained that just as girdling roots on a tree eventually choke out the life of the tree, when we forget all of God's benefits we go round and round, and healthy growth cannot happen in our lives.  Eventually we are at risk of emotionally and spiritually strangling ourselves.  When we just keep circling over the same subject over and over again (infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, etc), it becomes impossible to focus on the bigger picture.  Don't misunderstand - the Lord does direct us to focus on these areas for a season so we can work through what we need to in whatever timing is for each of us.  But there comes a point when we need to look beyond what we see right in front of us.  Sometimes we can't see it for ourselves - others can, and God may speak through them to try to get through to us.


Cathy shared the idea of a Victories List - she and her husband created a list of things that were good that happened in their lives. Many of them were relatively small, daily things that are so easy to overlook and very easy to forget.  She shared how helpful it was to look over the list and remember what God had done, remember the small and big ways He showed Himself to them. It helped them to take heart and press on through trials.

April gathering - A Time to Fall

Amy blessed us this month with some of the lessons God has been teaching her lately.  She began by reading from Ecclesiastes 3 - the "time" chapter.  There is a time for everything.  She challenged us to think about there being a time to fall.  Falling is not the same as failing, even though most of us view them as one and the same.  We too often strive to push through and be strong.  People tell us to persevere, take heart, press on, keep going.  While there is certainly a time for that, there is also a time to accept that God is inviting us to fall - right into His arms.  We run out of ourselves, our strength, our will and determination, and fall into His waiting arms.

Amy always hated trust falls in group building activities.  She has found it hard at times to honestly sing "I Surrender All," knowing that in her heart part of her is not surrendered completely.  In a war setting, a soldier who has been captured by the enemy knows to surrender in order to save his life.  Yet he is immediately planning his escape. This is not true surrender (nor should it be in this example!).  Similarly, when Amy played kick the can with neighborhood kids while growing up, when she was captured she would be surveying her surroundings and planning exactly where she'd run next once a member of her team kicked the can, releasing the prisoners.  Again, not true surrender.  True surrender is like falling.

She read the children's book Billy's Attic Adventure to us.  Basically, Billy climbs the ladder into the attic and starts to fall.  His dad, on the ground below, tells Billy to let go and fall.  It takes awhile for Billy to trust and just let go, but once he does, he lands safely in the arms of his dad.

Amy's mom passed away a year and a half ago after a 6 month battle with cancer.  Six months after her death, her dad remarried.  Two months after the wedding, Amy found out she was pregnant.  With her long history of infertility and tubal pregnancies, conceiving had been about the last thing on their minds for quite some time.  While she was more than overjoyed (and in shock!), she wanted to tell her mom the news...but she couldn't.  She cried at all of her prenatal appointments, longing to share the news with her mom.  The first two weeks after her daughter was born, she found herself in a spiritual battle, feeling trapped.  She had a miracle baby, yet was almost in despair.  She felt as though she was falling.  Her heart was prepared for hardship and could not receive the blessing; she had not truly surrendered the loss of her mom, and she felt she was losing her heart to her baby.  She did not feel she could possibly bear another loss - what if something were to happen to the baby?  The easy answer would be to harden her heart, not allowing it to fully love or be loved.  But in God's grace, that wasn't working.

Deuteronomy 33:27 "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

In what areas of our lives are we captured, think we have surrendered, but are afraid to fall?  God sees you and promises to catch you.  What might falling look like in your life?

Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in behind and before - you have laid your hand upon me."  It is okay to unravel - God promises to sew you back together.  You don't have to hold it all together.  There is a time to fall.

There is a balance we must find between pressing on and letting go to fall.  They are actually compatible actions.  It's about our hearts, about trusting God instead of the decisions we make.  The decisions aren't His goal as much as the condition of our hearts.  If our hearts are honestly seeking Him but we make a "wrong" decision, He will still bless us for our motives and bring good out of our decision.  Sometimes we have to make decisions to move to the next step, but that doesn't limit what God will do next.  He can and often will override our decisions in order to fulfill His will and purposes in our lives.  For example, if a couple decides to stop fertility treatments or stop pursuing adoption, that does not mean that God will change His plan for their lives if it included a child.  We have to decide, and trust Him with the details and the results.

When I think about falling, I think of someone skydiving.  If you jump out of a plane and have full confidence in your parachute, you are likely to fall gracefully, perhaps even relaxing or playing around with your movements.  The fall will be enjoyable, exhilarating, peaceful even.  Contrast that with a person who is terrified about what will happen next - they will likely flail about the whole way down.  As Christians we can rest assured that when we are in a season that involves falling into God's arms we will be safe.  We can relax and even find ourselves enjoying the fall.  We know what waits for us at the end of the fall.  We can actually find good things about the journey instead of being filled with dread, despair, and fear.

Are you in a season of falling?  Trust the arms waiting to catch you.

March gathering

We were thrilled to have three special guests share with us in March.  Janet, Lynn, and Leslie founded Stepping Stones many years ago - a ministry that has since been picked up and expanded by Bethany House.  They have a wealth of experience and wisdom, and we just soaked it up!!  Janet began by sharing  that suffering is never in vain if we turn around and encourage those behind us.  That doesn't mean we are done with our journey, just that we look behind and help who we can see.  Deuteronomy 8 talks about the importance of looking back and remembering what God has done for us - especially in times we are grieving or have lost hope.  Janet's journey of infertility (7 surgeries) and failed adoptions (11) lasted 4.5 years - years she looks back upon and feels were at least in part wasted because she was angry and bitter about her circumstances.  She was seeking the gift instead of the Giver.  She went through a wilderness and eventually hungered for God more than she hungered for a child.  She believes that God, in His mercy, caused her to hunger.  After all, He is the only thing that will truly satisfy.  


Janet shared with us an excerpt from Catherine Marshall's Adventures in Prayer.  Here is a portion of the chapter on relinquishment:

 Prayer of Relinquishment

I Relinquish This To You:

            “Father, for such a long time I have pleaded before You this, the deep desire of my

heart: __________________________________________.   Yet the more I've clamored 

for Your help with this, the more remote You have seemed.

            I confess my demanding spirit in this matter.  I've tried suggesting to You ways

my prayer could be answered.  To my shame, I've even bargained with You.  Yet I know

that trying to manipulate the Lord of the Universe is utter foolishness.  No wonder my

spirit is so sore and weary!

            I want to trust You, Father.  My spirit knows that these verities are forever

trustworthy even when I feel nothing...That you are there.  (You said, “Lo, I am with you

always.” Matthew 28:20)  That you love me. (You said, “I have loved you with an

everlasting love.” Jeremiah 31:3)  That You alone know what is best for me. (For in

You, Lord, “are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” Colossians 2:3)

            Perhaps all along, You have been waiting for me to give up self-effort.  At last I

want You in my life even more than I want _________________________________.

So now, by an act of my will, I relinquish this to You.  I will accept Your will, whatever

that may be.  Thank You for counting this act of my will as the decision of the real

person even when my emotions protest.  I ask You to hold me true to this decision.  To

You, Lord God, who alone are worthy of worship, I bend the knee with thanksgiving 

that this too will “work together for good.”  Amen

Date:_________________________________ 

She shared that we will never win a battle against God.  Matthew 6:33 says to seek first His kingdom, meaning His ways and His plans...and all will be added to you.  That "all" is His all, not our all.  But again, His is better.  His is best.  We must focus on the blessings He has given, not the ones He has not given.  In all things, He is faithful to carry us through.

Leslie shared some of the history of Stepping Stones.  Woven throughout the ministry was a focus on looking for the hand of God in the little things.  Each of the three ladies can tell their stories - and each story is God filled.  This is our goal, to get to a place where we see our stories as God filled.  It certainly requires having a God perspective.  

Leslie, Lynn, and Janet began talking years ago as an informal Christian support network.  They asked Focus on the Family for resources on infertility and miscarriage, but were given the suggestion to start their own ministry, as there was very little available at the time.  In time the ministry took off.  They began to receive a multitude of letters from around the country and eventually around the world, from Christians dealing with similar issues.  They created a newsletter that was sent out containing articles they either found or wrote, dealing with infertility and miscarriage from a Christian perspective.  In time, readers began sending articles about their own stories about healing, growing, and walking the journey with God.  They saw how readers began supporting one another.  They ended up on Dr. Dobson's radio show, which took the ministry to a whole new level.  They learned firsthand that in God's season/time/way He will meet our needs and desires.  Leslie said "looking back, I wouldn't want to do it all over again, but it was good."  

Lynn remembers the year that on Mother's Day the pastor acknowledged infertility and infant loss for the first time.  She finally felt like a normal segment of the church population, not an awkward outsider.  She shared with us that God gives grace as the need comes along - look back at His provision rather than wondering what trial is coming next.  We can't get stuck in the past, wishing to have changed something, nor should we be paralyzed by the potential difficulties of the future.  Rather, remember the blessings of the past, live now to the fullest, and look to the future with hope and anticipation.

For Lynn, she had to hold on to four pillars of faith.

1. God loves me unconditionally. I can't increase or decrease His love.

2. Because I'm in Christ, God sees me as totally clean. This circumstance is not a punishment.

3. God can do everything - just look at the virgin Mary and 90 yr old Sarah.

4. If God says no to this, He must have something better, and that is exciting.

Lynn chose to live with great anticipation and turn her circumstances and hopes over to God.  Three years later she conceived, and lost the baby.  Through that loss she learned that God cannot be reduced to a formula.  Giving our hopes to God does not guarantee He will turn around and give us the original desires of our hearts.  In time they had a daughter.  Three years after that, she conceived again and had a high risk pregnancy.  After many complications, she had a c-section.  Her baby, Sarah, had a very poor prognosis, and died at 3 months of age.  When they left the hospital, and later at the funeral, they saw how their testimony had affected others.  For this they can be thankful and can now view that part of their life story as good - good because of what God did through it.

Janet was still in the middle of her most difficult season when Leslie became pregnant.  She remembers not going to Leslie's baby shower because she had to set a boundary that she wouldn't go places where she would leave questioning God's love for her.  This was a personal boundary, reflecting her walk with the Lord, not her friendship with Leslie.  Too often, as Christians, we expect ourselves to handle everything perfectly, including going places we know will trip us up, saying that we "should" be able to handle it.  Sometimes not going is the best option as God continues to work on our hearts.  

Janet shared that God never works the way we think He will.  She brought out the verses from Isaiah 28 that teach us that God does not thresh all grain the same way.  Some is crushed and broken and used for finer things.  God knows how much pressure to put on the grain (us) in order to produce what He wants to produce in us.  We can trust His hand.

February gathering

Our special guest in February shared her story of infertility, failed adoptions, a successful but difficult adoption process, and the ongoing journey of trusting God through life's trials.  Here are some of the ideas/concepts she gave us to ponder.


- Men just deal with infertility and disappointment differently than women.  There's no getting around this.  They may go back to work, looking as though they don't care about a loss or dashed hope, but this is part of how God made them.  They compartmentalize.  In vitro is difficult for husbands as well as (obviously) for the wives, largely due to the hormonal changes that occur in the wife's body and the man's inability to fix the situation.


- God is in the process of character building.
         - Jeremiah 17:7-8  "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, 
       whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water 
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."         - 1 Peter 5:7-11  "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."         - Philippians 4:11-12  "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."


- She encouraged us to make good use of our present circumstances, reminding us that sometimes our plans are put on hold and we have to choose to grow in our present circumstances.  The Biblical character Hannah, from 1 Samuel, was referenced as an example.


What are your present circumstances?  Are you letting your life be on hold while you cling to the hope of what you long for?  Or are you living to the fullest with whatever God has chosen and/or allowed into your life?  Do you trust Him fully - do you trust that His plan for your life is better than your own plan?  It is certainly a choice we make with our heads first, praying that our hearts will catch up and truly believe that His way is the best way.

Perspective

We had some wonderful sharing at a recent Glory Babies gathering.  We don’t expect people to share their experiences, but it is always welcome!  One person shared about the recent stillbirth of their daughter, another shared about years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, another shared about repeat miscarriages.  Afterwards I heard several comments that made me think about perspective.  For example, one person mentioned that while their pain and grief was certainly real and legitimate, it seemed to pale in comparison to what another had experienced.  It struck me that each of us naturally think our own journey is uniquely painful – and it is, but not at the exclusion of others having painful journeys as well.  It is easy to believe that what another person experiences is more or less tragic than what we have experienced, but I’m not sure we can actually compare these things.  Each person’s life, no matter how blessed or easy it may seem, contains at least a few areas of pain, disappointment, or loss.  To one struggling to conceive or grieving the loss of a baby, hearing about a mother’s frustrations with her children can be maddening; someone grieving the loss of a spouse can become appalled at the disrespectful attitude another shows toward their living spouse.  Yet we all have hard things in our lives.  It does not do anyone any good to compare or attempt to measure pain. And what would we really accomplish if we were to somehow determine we have the corner on the pain market?  How much better to instead turn to God, trust in His infinite wisdom, timing, provision, and love, pray for those around us who are also struggling, and focus on learning absolutely everything possible through the journey on which we find ourselves.  One key of getting “unstuck” in the midst of grief is to look up, begin to accept our reality, and actively seek out the blessings that may currently be hidden.  God’s love is constant, even in the midst of life’s turmoil.  And ultimately, what more do we need?

Things aren't always what they seem...or what we expect

We were blessed beyond measure to have special guest Pam share with us this month.  While her words were well thought out and put together logically, my notes seem to go many different directions.  But I'll do my best to piece together the nuggets she shared:

Our first human response is to take charge and be in control.  We need to give ourselves permission to let others help us.  We wear many hats as women.  Story of when Pam and her family were rear-ended by a drunk driver at a stop sign.  Jaws of life were required to pull her out, and extensive therapy was required for her to regain movement.  It was a humbling, while horrible experience, yet it was great to learn how to receive help.  We should not try to manage emotions on our own, or difficult circumstances.  While feelings, and the process of healing, vary from person to person, they remain very similar.  We do not have to have identical circumstances with another person before we can walk with them, grieve with them, encourage them, and help them.  Nor do they have to have identical experiences to ours before we can receive those same things from them.

So how do we get through hard times?  Ecclesiastes 3:1 begins the section on there being a time for everything.  We have many seasons of life, and they are rarely bounded by the roughly 3-month time frame as are our Kansas weather seasons.  When Pam's mom passed away, that season in Pam's life was over and complete - even though Pam felt it had come too soon.  It was at the perfect time from God's eternal perspective.

The more we need God, the more we depend on Him...the more we depend on Him, the more we love Him. Many Christians express wanting to love God more, or wanting to "be" more of the kind of person that is compelled by His love.  Yet few people are signing up for needing God more.  It is a package deal.  God doesn't need my help, just my cooperation.  The more we try to help, the more anxious we become.  John the Baptist, in John 3:30, said that he needed to decrease so God could increase.

Pam brought with her a picture frame with three pictures inside.  The first one was very clear, and you could see for miles.  The second was more hazy, and the third almost looked like a picture that had not developed correctly, as it was so dark.  She told us that the three pictures were of the exact same location, just taken at different times.  Nothing had changed with what was out there from that particular vantage point, just how much the viewer could perceive.  There were the same exact things in the third picture as in the first, you just couldn't see them - but that didn't change the fact that they were indeed there.  The reality of God does not change, just what we can see of His plan changes in various seasons.  He is who He is all the time.  What we see, think, feel, or even believe, has no bearing whatsoever on who He is or what He is doing.  We cannot define Him by circumstances or visibility.

Linda Dillow, the author of Creative Counterpart and Calm My Anxious Heart, had what Pam called a tea cup theology.  To illustrate this concept, Pam brought two coffee cups.  One was plain white, nothing fancy.  The other was highly decorated and a more fun shape.  Each of us has a "cup" given to us by God.  One person's cup may look more fulfilled, more blessed, more beautiful or desirable, but we don't have any idea what is actually inside that cup.  It may be filthy, filled with despair, or cracked on the inside.  It is easy to look at the outside of the cups God has given those around us, and make assumptions as to how much God has chosen to favor those people.  But we really have no idea.  It is not for us to know or for us to judge.  When we focus on God, rather than what our eyes can see, particularly what we see of others, it will be much easier to learn contentment with the exact cup and portion God has chosen to give us.

When Pam's younger daughter had her last miscarriage, it was hard for Pam to see other grandmas at church or out and about holding their new grandbabies.  It brought pain.  All who have lost babies understand this kind of pain.  It seems through the Bible that there are many stories of women desperately desiring to have a child, and it is easy to assume that having a child meant the woman was blessed by God.  However, their blessings, as are our blessings, were brought by knowing God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

To experience true peace and joy we have to learn contentment in this exact moment.  We need to not put ourselves so much in center stage that we can't see God's power.  He is weaving an integrating our paths, but we will miss it if we are so focused on ourselves.  Few (if any) people have lives that play out as they'd expected.  We are all in need of refining.  Walk by faith, not by sight.  Fix your eyes on Jesus.  Fighting against what God has for us puts us at odds with Him and with ourselves.  Surrendering to the Lord does not mean giving up all our hopes and dreams, but rather seeking how to walk in His way for us.  It may include fulfillment of those hopes and dreams, or it may not.  We won't know until we surrender and walk.  As Jesus said on the cross, not my will but Yours be done.  We desire to be a fragrant aroma to Christ and others, but we can't do that when we're fighting with Him.

It is not about what we've done wrong or how we are being punished, or how others are blessed - all of those ideas indicate that we're in control...and we're not!!  Pam ended her time with us by reading a poem:


As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.


Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty,like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame.. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.


Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'


May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

Each of must come to the place where we acknowledge and accept that "my life is what it is."  If God was all you had, would it be enough?  Your situation has purpose.  But it takes courage and trusting in God to wade through the hard times to discover that purpose...and the blessings awaiting you as you grow closer to your Maker.