Can you relate to this?

I recently posted a note on my facebook page called "The Next Baby."  I received many responses, mostly from women who completely understood and who were glad to see their feelings in print.  I'm sharing it here for you in hopes that you will feel validated and encouraged that you are not alone.  I welcome any and all comments.  The first portion is the version of the note that should be printed in our church newsletter next month.  Following that is the original version.  We are in this together; the more people we can help to understand the pain associated with miscarriage and stillbirth, with infertility and secondary infertility, the better able we as the body of Christ can help each other.

The Next Baby (shortened version for church newsletter; full version follows)

We all have a natural curiosity about what is coming next in the lives of others.  We ask about choice of college and major, timing of marriage and children…the list goes on and on.  Perhaps you've been asked these questions and never thought twice about it. But for some people these questions serve as painful reminders of what is not part of their reality. 

 

The underlying assumption behind these questions is that the next stage is better, more promising and fulfilling. That’s just not true.  The struggle many of us have with contentment is not made easier in the face of constant reminders that we are not where we supposedly should be.

Most people do not advertise whether they are hoping to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting a baby.  Likewise, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth.  They have started their family, but only God has met their children.

Questions about college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc., do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis - when "hey, how are you?" isn't enough.  While many times the couple you are asking has not experienced infertility or lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth, the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people.  Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family.  However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

We need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby?  Instead of asking, think of other things you’d like to know about the couple.  What are they looking forward to in the next season?  What do they think about something in the news?  Or even share something more about yourself – transparency leads to more transparency.   Just a friendly request for you to see this topic from a new perspective.  For more information, contact Glory Babies at glorybabies@hotmail.com or visit our blog: www.glorybabies.blogspot.com.

The Next Baby (original version)

Every week countless couples field an array of well meaning questions about when they're going to have a baby. Most are said in an almost joking manner, with a playful punch on the arm, or a wink and a smile.
 
"Isn't it about time you had another baby?"
"Come on guys, get with it!"
"You don't want them too far apart, do you?"
"You're not getting any younger!"

This article is not written out of anger, or even out of frustration, although that is sometimes the case with this issue. The goal is to cause you to consider the questions you ask people, and to begin taking away the dread that many feel when coming to church – a dread caused by anticipation of questions.

Let's go back in time. When you were in high school, everyone wanted to know where you were going to go to college. And then in college they wanted to know what major you were going to choose. Upon graduation the question was what job you would get, followed by when you were going to get married. After marriage the question is when are you going to have kids, and after that it's when you are going to have another kid. Perhaps these questions seem harmless to you. Perhaps you've been asked some or even all of them and never thought twice about it. But let me attempt to provide you with a new perspective. 

It almost seems there is an underlying assumption behind these questions that the next stage is better, more promising, more fulfilling, and that staying any longer in the current stage is failure.  That’s just not true.  Couples who wholeheartedly long for a baby are not encouraged to "figure out how it works" by the questions. Instead, they want to avoid being around people so they won't have to come up with creative answers, pretending to not mind. The same is true for those who have one or more children and want more but do not yet have more.

There are several possibilities with the question of children. Perhaps the couple does not want kids. Should they be judged or considered selfish for that decision when you don't have any idea why they are making that decision? Maybe they want kids but would prefer to wait one year or five years or ten years.  Perhaps the couple has been "trying" for quite some time but has yet to conceive. In these circumstances, well meaning questions can be very hurtful.

 

Most people do not advertise whether or not they are actively trying to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting to conceive. And then there are the couples who have conceived - perhaps many times - but have yet to carry to term and deliver a live baby. They have started their family, but only God has met their children. Again, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth, so you likely do not know when that has been the experience of the couple of whom you are asking about children. 

Just think about it. The above questions (college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc.) do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis. When "hey, how are you?" isn't enough, these questions can lead to more dialogue. Yes, many times it is not a problem - many times the couple hasn't experienced infertility and has not lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth. But please believe me when I tell you that the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people.  Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family.  However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

I understand the natural curiosity we all have about each other. I understand really enjoying the company of another couple, seeing them interact with kids, and imagining how great they will be as parents. But we need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby? Please don't ask. Care, yes. Ask other questions, yes. But for the sake of all of the women (and men) who are struggling with the issue of having children, please stop asking.