July 2012 - God is bigger than...bedtime routine?

Thanks to a caring and wise friend who gently shares truth with me, I am contemplating applying one of the basic things a Christian should do on a regular basis. Are you ready for it? I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I couldn't reply to her with "yes, you're right, and I'm already doing that."

Forgive.

I need to forgive.  It helps me, frees me, opens up communication between the Lord and me, not to mention making it millions of times more likely communication will open up between the other person and me.

Since yesterday's post I've really been thinking about what I can do differently in how I react to things that I am fully convinced I am right about. I'm sure that sounded prideful; I didn't mean for it to be prideful.  One CONSTANT conflict at our house is bedtime routine for the kids. We've agreed (many times) on the window of time they should be in bed, and we've discussed (many times) the parts of bedtime that have to occur before they are in bed, including about how long each of those components last.  However, when my husband is involved, the kids consistently go to bed late. And I feel like I suffer the brunt of the consequences that night as the bad guy, as well as the next day, as they generally don't sleep longer if they go to bed later. No, they are just cranky, whiny, dramatic, and less obedient than usual.

The 400 tactics I've employed thus far to remedy this situation have failed miserably.

Then tonight I had this revelation.

God is bigger than bedtime routine.

Thanks again to the book Kisses From Katie.  Tonight I read her take on how God used ordinary people and did amazing things. And do we think He no longer does those things? If we ask Him to do big things, shouldn't we expect big things, even if they look way different than what we expected?

I know, I know. She's talking about a huge ministry in Uganda and being mom to 13+ children (each time I write about the book the number will go up, as I keep reading about more she adopts!!), and I'm talking about bedtime routine. Cut me some slack, ok? We're starting small and working our way up....

So the revelation was that God can multiply the minutes my children are sleeping. He can make them wake up rested and ready for the day. He can do that regardless of what time they go to bed and regardless of how much or how little my husband cooperates in the bedtime routine process.

Wouldn't it be better if I drop the expectations, anger, hurt, bitterness, and cold shoulder and instead respect him as leader of this home? Even if I totally don't agree with him?  Even if it feels there's a much larger principle at stake here that is being completely overlooked?  Yes. Yes it would be better.

After all, my husband cannot ensure a quality night's sleep for the kids. Neither can I. Neither can the most brilliantly crafted bedtime routine or meal plan or activity plan. (Not that I really have the latter two items...just carrying this idea a bit further!)

I've been doing one right thing while simultaneously doing a wrong thing. At best they cancel each other. And at worst I'm making it all but impossible to make any progress.

So I'm going to do my best to let go of bedtime routine. Let go of my opinions, ideas, researched facts, proven techniques, etc., and let my husband be the leader. It's pretty dumb to keep getting so upset about something. I can't change him...and I've known that for a long time...I can only change myself, and I can change how I react. That requires a shift in focus. My husband is no longer thwarting my plans. God can deal with him if he is wrong. And God can deal with me if I am wrong. Ok, so God can KEEP dealing with me as I KEEP being wrong.   :)

Did that make sense? I hope so. And I hope to apply this idea to a bunch more pressure-filled areas of marriage.

God is bigger than bedtime routine.

God is bigger than planning ahead.

God is bigger than having regular time as a couple.

God is bigger than generational curses/hardships/trials.

God is bigger than doctors and diagnoses and ailments.

God is bigger than clutter.

God is bigger than the boogie man, He's bigger than Godzilla or the monster on TV...and He's watching out for you and me. (Thank you VeggieTales)

I can act and react with love and respect, trusting God with any necessary heart change. It's not my job to point out principles or truths or nearsightedness.  At least not right now. Not until I can do it while still trusting that God is the only one in the business of heart change.

It's not my job.  I could write an entire post on that idea alone. And maybe one day I will.

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On the topic of forgiveness - even if we are ok with God, we need to forgive people who were hurtful, insensitive, or neglectful during and after our losses. Forgiving doesn't say that you are ok with the offense, nor does it imply that you are at peace with your loss. 

When we forgive another person, we can pray for them authentically. God can heal in an instant what we think could never be healed.

April 2012 - A Little Mad and a Lot Confused

The following devotional was the basis of our conversation at the April gathering. 

April 5, 2012 God, I’m a Little Mad and a Lot Confused Lysa TerKeurst “From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2 (NIV) When God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers it can be hard. Sometimes, down right awful. One minute I’m determined to trust God. In the next, I feel myself slipping. The “why” questions tumble in so hard. My heart hurts. My eyes leak. And in those raw moments I just feel a little mad and a lot confused. Ever been there? I don’t want to oversimplify what to do in these times. I know from prayer requests I’ve received over the years many of us are facing really tough issues. Situations where the answers aren’t easy or clear cut. But I have discovered a few things that help me when God seems silent … * Press in to God when you want to pull away. When I really want to hear from God but He seems silent, I sometimes find I want to disengage from my normal spiritual activities. Skip church. Put my Bible on my shelf. And let more and more time lapse between prayers. But the Bible says we will find God if we seek Him with all our heart. Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (NIV). All my heart includes the parts that are broken. Bring it all to God. He can handle your honesty and will respond. But we have to position ourselves to go where truth is. Go to church. Listen to praise music. Read verses. Memorize verses. And keep talking to God. * Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. In the midst of what you’re facing, find simple things for which to praise God. I don’t mean thank Him for the hard stuff. I mean thank Him for the other simple, good things still in the midst. A child’s laugh. A bush that blooms. The warmth of a blanket. The gift of this breath and then the next. Psalm 40:3 reminds me God will give me a new song when I make praise the habit of my heart and mouth. “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD” (NIV). * Put yourself in the company of truth. That friend that speaks truth? Listen to her. Stay connected to her. Let her speak truth into your life even when you’re tired of hearing it. Stand in the shadow of her faith when you feel your own faith is weak. Let her lead you back to God time and time again. Proverbs 12:26, “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor …” (ESV). It’s okay to feel a little mad and a lot confused. Our God is big enough to handle our honest feelings. But don’t let your feelings lead you away from God or away from His truth. Press into Him. Praise Him. And put yourself in the company of truth. As you stay with God in these ways, you will become ready to receive His answer when it comes. Dear Lord, thank You for hearing every ‘why’ my heart sends up to You. Forgive me when I retreat from You and Your Word. I want to trust You more. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

March 2012 - Unmet Longings

When God says yes, can we receive it? Or do we fear we'll lose it? Don't listen to the enemy's lies.

March 1, 2012 Unmet Longings Lysa TerKeurst “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV) Have you ever wanted something so badly your heart ached with each thought of it? It seems life would be so much better if you had that. There would be more happiness. More contentment. More fulfillment. More satisfaction. More peace. We can envision ourself with this thing, this person, this opportunity. And all things are better. So, why doesn’t God give us this longing of our heart? Because He wants us to willingly release it to Him. Ouch. Not the answer we want. Why would God let the aching desire linger and not make things happen? He could. He’s certainly able. But when He doesn’t it seems unfair. Not good. Confusing. It’s easy to get down when we’re constantly let down. We hope this thing will happen… we’ll meet this right person… we’ll get this job… we’ll finally be healed… we’ll get that chance… we’ll see that family member turn their life around. Time and again it doesn’t happen. That’s when it’s easy to slip. We can so easily slip into feeling a little distant from God because we feel hurt by God. That’s what happened when the man I thought I was going to marry told me he met someone else. That’s what happened when I didn’t get the job I was so certain was going to be the answer to all my financial problems. That’s what happened when my son didn’t get into the charter school we were so certain would have been perfect for him. But, in each of these things, I eventually had to make a choice. I could either become consumed with my unmet longing or comforted by trusting God. As an offering of trust, we must give up that which could so easily bring us down. Not give up as in discouraged surrender. But give up as in placing this desire in the hand of God and saying, “Either way, I will see Your answer as the good answer and walk in trust.” Remember the Scriptures promise, He rewards those who honestly seek Him: “And without faith is it impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”(Hebrews 11:6 NIV) Sometimes I get so consumed with seeking my unmet longings, I don’t earnestly seek Him. But then I miss out on His reward. And His reward is the only thing that will fill the void in my heart. Yes, I still struggle with unmet desires. But not as much today as I did yesterday. And that is good. Not easy. But good. Dear Lord, I sacrifice chasing this so I might more fully and with more focus chase You. I release this grip of desire. I praise You for who You are, what only You can bring, and how You will fill whatever gap this release might leave. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Time

God is outside of time. That means He sees past, present, and future all at the same time. He sees NOW how pain and trials and suffering of the past and present WILL work out - He sees them as already worked out. It's not like He's in heaven thinking through options until He creates a good one for us. He already KNOWS. We just continue to walk in faith and we will walk into the existing answers to our current problems and trials.

February 2012

This month we again read a post from the blog chattingatthesky.com, posted Jan 19, 2012.

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a place for your soul to breathe

the kind of faith that can change your life

January 19, 2012

“If we are to be aware of life while we are living it, we must have the courage to relinquish our hard-earned control of ourselves.”

-Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water

I stare out the morning window, the outline of my tired head stares back at me, wispy hair out of place, wild. The sun isn’t up yet, only the faintest, faded line of pink lingers over the trees out back. This slow rising happens every morning, I think to myself. As I wrap my hands around my warm cup, I can’t help but rush ahead into the day. Even though the house is quiet, I’m running on the inside as if things are in full swing. My feet haven’t moved but my soul is rumbling.

Mercifully, the Lord whispers His presence with me and I’m pulled back to this minute. I consider how God called the light day and the dark night, how He spoke the days into being just one at a time. He still does it that way, evening and morning and evening again. And the days roll into one another in a watercolor line of elation and planning and laughter and frustration. Sometimes it feels like my life is a gray arrow right through the center, pushing ahead to get on with the next thing, desperately wishing I could see far off ahead.

It isn’t usually the big things that cause the most trouble and doubt. With the big things, it is so obvious I’m out of control – the diagnosis, the job insecurity, the safety and well-being of my family. Instead it’s those everyday things that are covered with my fingerprints. I try to get things I already have, things like acceptance, worth, security, love. Maybe everything we do is to get one of those needs met. Finish the list – I am important. Apologize for my messy house when the neighbor comes over – I need your acceptance. Don’t let them see my weakness – I need your approval.

We are terrified of the mystery. We want our manager hats to remain firmly on our heads, skirts smoothed, shoes shined, plans lined up in neat rows. At the least, the suggestion that we are not in control is laughable. At the worst, it is offensive. I have a degree, you know.

And so I stand there next to the window, pink sky lighting up with each moment, and consider the invisible place in me where my Spirit and God’s mingle together. I used to think that a mature faith would bring with it clear pictures, thought that as I walked with God I would see life big, wide, and spacious. But that is not what is happening, and if you expect that, it can feel like perhaps your faith is shrinking. Because instead of being lifted up on a cloud to see the big picture, instead of tilting back my head and laughing at those silly things I used to worry about, I am shrinking down into a small place, a place where I can barely see two feet in front of me, much less into next week.

Everything in me wants to fight the unveiling of the anxieties that threaten to overwhelm, push them back from showing up in my day. Christians aren’t supposed to be anxious, right?  I want to ignore the smoky unknown; it is counter-intuitive to let the anxieties rise up to the surface.

But we must let them rise up, so that we can release them into His hands. Speak the fear out loud, so that He can give words of truth. Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.

I put my cup on the table, breathe in deep the air of a new day, pray without words to a God who knows. I become aware of His acceptance of me, and not because I finished everything on my list. Truth can be a slow rising, making no difference at first. But as each moment weaves itself into the next, as we believe Him in the great right now, His truth becomes a strand woven into the fabric of our minutes. This moment living is sweet. This moment living reminds me of who is in control and who is not. This smallness is to be celebrated, not despised. I dare not trust myself with the next step. A mature faith says I am desperately in need of a source outside of myself. I always have been, but now I know it.

January 2012

This month we read a blog post from www.chattingatthesky.com, posted Dec 13, 2011.

"'One of the most important lessons I have learned over the past few years is how important it is to have time and space for being with what's real in my life - to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed my tears, sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness.'"  Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

"I may know the importance of holding the truth of my life in my hands, of looking at it from all angles, of seeing what is. But there is a distinct difference between knowing the importance of being with what's real and actually being brave enough to resist reaching for what I wish to be. It takes courage to sit with the reality of the questions, the desires, the sorrows and the joys and to simply let them exist on the surface in the presence of God. It takes time, a willingness to see, and the discipline to rest in the midst of it.

That's what we practice here on Tuesdays. We take this day, whatever it holds, and look for the gifts. sometimes it's easy and quick, the gifts bursting from every common meal and conversation. Other times, the gifts seem to be hiding under deep piles of dust and broken things. But it has been my experience during this practice that we generally find what we're looking for. Might you join us in looking for the gifts today?"

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After reading the above post, we talked about several things:
1. what is your reality?
2. what do you want it to be?
3. fully experience the difference between #s 1 and 2, then decide what to do - how to reconcile them in your mind.

When you can't make your goal happen - when it's largely out of your control, focus on the truth of today and how to experience abundant life right now.

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We also read an excerpt from the Zondervan Daily Inspiration from Dec 14, 2011.

"...I did learn some valuable lessons about unanswered prayers...  First of all, I came to the humble conclusion that our prayers are often misguided simply because we're not omniscient. I'll be the first to admit that I've drawn some prayer circles around the wrong things for the wrong reasons, and God didn't answer those prayers the way I wanted Him to!  If we were absolutely honest, we would have to admit that most of our prayers have as their main objective personal comfort rather than God's glory. If God answered those selfish prayers, they would actually short-circuit the purposes of God in our lives. We would fail to learn the lessons God is trying to teach us or cultivate the character God is trying to shape in us....  I also learned that we shouldn't seek answers as much as we should seek God. We get overanxious. We try to microwave our own answers instead of trusting God's timing. But here's an important reminder: If you seek answers you won't find them, but if you seek God, the answers will find you...."  (The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears, by Mark Batterson)

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Nov/Dec 2011

We had an unusual couple of meetings in November and December.  Nobody came!  We heard from several gals each month who had wanted to come but had sickness in their houses or had prior commitments.  We're thankful for email, which allowed us to keep in touch with everyone.  We miss you guys!

October 2011

We had the pleasure of meeting three new gals tonight, in addition to one who came back who we were so glad to see again!

Tonight was a bit of a hodge podge of topics.  Lots of word pictures, which work well for me...but if they don't for someone else, well, tonight may have been a little hard to follow!

First I read the ladies a blog post that you can read here. It's talking about things that act as bungee cords, snapping us backwards as we try to move forward, and how to cut the cord.  Not that what is behind you is bad or must be forgotten, and not that what is ahead is excellent or what you want, but that in order for us to continue walking we have to be free of things that snap us back. 

I shared about one of the things on my 1000 gifts list - being thankful for weeding the sandpit after it rained. Weeding sets off my allergies, I'd rather there not be weeds in the first place, weeding is still work, even after rain.  However, after the rain they come up easier and I get more of the roots, which means a smaller chance that the exact weed will grow back.  Seeing weeding as a chance to be thankful rather than a chance to gripe.  And drawing a parallel to life - people often connect rain with trials and difficulty. Yet it is often after a storm that we see most clearly and can uproot what had been holding us back. Things we may have not realized if the storm had never come. 

Sometimes it's when we're telling God exactly how we feel and how wrong this seems and how we don't understand that we hear ourselves saying a deep-rooted lie we didn't even realize we believed.  Now is the perfect time to uproot that lie.

Amy brought up what she'd been learning in Bible study about the word "hope," and how Biblically it doesn't mean what we think it means. We use the word to mean something we'd like to have happen but aren't sure will happen. But the Bible uses hope to mean something we are assured will happen.  We are assured of God's promises, so we can hope in them.

The idea of hope is key to how life with God is radically different than life without God. With God we can have times of despair, anger, frustration, deep disappointment, and grief, while always knowing that there will be a way out at some point in time.  Without God, there is just despair, anger, frustration, deep disappointment, and grief - never ending, no reprieve imaginable.  I am so thankful to be on the side of hope. To have hope at my side. To have hope in my heart.

Jeans that fit...Pain changes you

Here is an all-too-familiar scenario: you go to a store to buy a pair of jeans. You pick up several styles in the size you used to be and head to the fitting room. Why they call it that, when almost nothing fits when you're in there is beyond me.  But I digress. You try on all of the pairs and get frustrated, possibly even emotional. They just don't fit!  This is the size you used to be! Why have things changed? You didn't ASK for them to change. You didn't WANT them to change.

But they have.

Now you're faced with a few options.  1)Buy the old size jeans and fight with them every day, a constant reminder that you're no longer the old size.  2)Don't buy jeans at all and just hide out in seclusion because nothing fits and therefore you are in pjs all day.  3)Buy whatever size jeans you are RIGHT NOW that look as good as possible on you and feel as comfortable as possible.

On this side of the fitting room, options 1 and 2 seem illogical at best. It just makes sense to wear what fits you, to accept the size you are right now and move forward, even if that includes working toward change.

What in the world does this have to do with pain or loss?  I'm glad you asked!

When we face a loss, we are changed.  Forever. But wait - that doesn't have to come across as depressing.  Change, while hard, is not necessarily bad. A lot of times change is good, in our best interests, a blessing in disguise down the road. That doesn't mean that the loss that preceeded the change is good or a blessing, just that the resulting change can be good and a blessing. We say that we believe God works all things together for good and that He doesn't waste pain, using it instead to increase our Godly character.  Yet we often live and act as though all is lost, or as though we are simply surviving until we return to the "old" us.

Sometimes friends and family do not understand the changes pain has brought into our lives - they expect us to be going through a phase and to soon return to normal. What they do not understand is that what was normal is no more. We have a new normal. This isn't a normal that includes forever gaping open wounds, but a normal that does not attempt to ignore or hide our scars. 

Remember how Christ showed His scars? He could have risen without them, but instead they were there for all to see. They increased His believability, credibility, and impact on others. In the same way, showing our scars, or letting them be seen, will benefit those we encounter.

We have to accept that how we are today is the new us. It isn't necessarily the forever-on-this-earth us, but it is true for right now. While there may seem to be an abundance of negative aspects of the new reality, there are positives as well. We just have to decide it is ok to find the positives and begin looking for them.

Better to be comfortable with where God has you right now, today, with a heart willing and ready to grow and learn, rather than fight against yourself every day in desperate hopes of forcing yourself to be how you used to be.

One more thought.  It is almost as though we have made the assumption that if the loss had not happened, we would have always remained the way we were. But God doesn't let ANYONE stay the way they are!  He has so much for each of us, and it will involve change of some sort.  The enemy would love to convince you that because of your loss, you will forever be living a second rate life. But that is in direct opposition to what God promises about having a plan for your life, about blessing you abundantly, about loving you with an everlasting love.

Say it with me: This is how I am today. There are blessings in today.  I choose to trust God, walk with Him wherever He leads, and continually surrender my life plan in exchange for His plan for my life.

Boundaries

In a perfect world, there'd be no need for this ministry.  Within the reality of this broken world, the best scenario would be that every woman who experiences the loss of a baby or of the dream of being pregnant would be surrounded by people who are actually helpful and supportive.  Instead, most of the women we have met have at least one person in their lives who is more of a burden than a support. Most of the time these less-than-helpful people mean well, and want to help, but they just keep messing up.

While we wholeheartedly recommend seeing past the words and actions of well-meaning people, seeing instead their heart of love, there comes a time when it is important to put some boundaries in place. This is easiest to do with the people on the outside rings of relationship - those you only see once in awhile, with whom you have not invested much time or relational energy. However, the closer you get toward the center ring of relationship, the stickier boundaries become and the more pronounced the consequences may be.

For example, if you have a parent or in-law who is consistently draining your tank rather than filling it, perhaps by acting as though you should be supporting them rather than them supporting you, it's time for a boundary.  Let me be clear - I'm NOT advocating selfishness or overlooking the needs of others. It's not like a time of grief removes all responsibility for being a blessing to others.  But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is put a boundary in place that will actually preserve the relationship long-term, even if it seems to threaten the relationship in the short-term.

Boundaries can include limiting the duration or frequency of phone calls, emails, or visits, changing the topic to something neutral or more positive, and even not sharing with that person the things with which you are struggling.  If someone isn't supporting you during your season of grief, stop looking to that person for support!  This isn't the time to idealize a relationship, focusing on how it ought to be or could be or might be one day. Be honest with yourself, and look for the people God has placed in your life who will actually support you.  Of course nobody is perfect, and outside of God, everyone will let you down.  We'll forget an important date, not return a call or email as quickly as you'd hoped, say something insensitive, or talk too much about our own situation instead of giving you space to process.  But hopefully you'll see which people are chronic offenders and which ones are simply human.

Many women have commented that they felt they needed to be strong for those around them during loss.  While there is a place for being strong, be careful! It just might give people the impression that you are doing better than you actually are. How can they help you if they don't know what you need? Honesty and vulnerability can be scary things, but without them you are almost certain to be disappointed and let down. Those who truly love you will give you the space you request and will respect the boundaries you put in place. They may kick and scream before they accept the boundaries, but they'll come around. And I bet you'll discover that the relationship will then be stronger and healthier than ever before.