MOPS Class Presentation

We were given the opportunity several weeks ago to talk to a mom's group at church - two groups, actually. We shared about the ministry of Glory Babies, some statistics about loss and infertility, common misperceptions, and ways to help. 

As always when we share with new-to-us groups, there were a number of women in the room who fought back tears. It left us wondering if they had experienced a loss and if so, whether or not they had shared that with anyone, especially anyone at their table. 

Even after all the progress that has been made over the last ten or so years, we as a culture still shy away from talking about miscarriage, infant loss, stillbirth, and infertility, including secondary infertility. I remember my mom telling me about a time she was explaining about Glory Babies to her aunt, who was in her 70s. The aunt became teary-eyed and held up three fingers, indicating that she had lost three babies to miscarriage. My mom had never known, and she considered herself to be pretty close to this aunt. It would not surprise me if most of the family did not know about the precious babies they never met. 

In some ways, social media, and the internet in general, has made it easier to talk about and find support during the loss of babies. We can post an update, share someone else's article, or participate in online groups, retaining a degree of privacy as we sit behind a screen in the comfort of our own homes. We don't have to worry as much about the immediate reaction someone might have after receiving the news that we've experienced a loss. 

At the same time, we lose the therapeutic face to face connection, physical hugs, and gift of attention when we don't share about our losses in person. Many times people hear "me too" after sharing about a loss. One person choosing painful vulnerability and authenticity can quickly lead to many others revealing their own journey down the same or similar road. 

We encourage you to reach out and share your stories with others. Be prepared for some to react negatively, for others to dismiss your pain, and for a few to think it's crazy to grieve such a small person. Keep sharing! We pray you will find "your people" who will walk with you through this difficult time and who you might even in turn help down their own journey. 

Be Present, Make Space

We're often asked how someone can support a friend/spouse/family member who is grieving the loss of a baby and/or the monthly grief of infertility.  While we wish we could give a simple five step answer, the truth is that everyone processes grief in different times, at different paces, and with different preferences. The number one frustration we hear is that people feel that others are rushing them through grief, as though there's a set-in-stone end date for grief. That's just not true. People also often feel pressured to "move on" - whatever that means! In most cases, those outside the grief experience have good hearts and want to help, but they're unsure what to do and, quite honestly, they feel uncomfortable being around the sadness/anger/grief of others.

Perhaps our best advice, besides praying, is to be present and make space.

Be present. Show up, either in person or via texts, calls, emails, or cards in the mail. Jot down the date of a due date, birthdate, or anniversary date, and reach out on those dates. Say the name of the baby who died. Be in your friend's life, and invite her into yours. Feeling isolated or rejected is really not helpful in the midst of grief.

Make space. Make space for all of the emotions of grief. Give your friend space to cry, yell, dissolve into sadness, feel happy for the day, want to do something, want to do nothing, feel kind of crazy for feeling so much at the same time...make space in your friendship for all of those things to be ok.

And by all means...please don't show frustration when she is STILL grieving, even years later. Grief is life-changing. As desperately we might want to go back to how things were before, we can't. Some things, some parts of us, are simply different. We're still trying to figure out what "normal" is going to be.

Change of Venue

In July, we met at a local shop that sells specialty chocolates and coffee drinks, among other things. It was such fun to gather at a new place, just this one time, and connect with each other. We still shared our experiences, talked about our babies, and learned a bit more about each person who came. One of the gals started a ministry after her loss as a way to help other families going through similar grief. I'm so thankful God does not waste any pain we experience here on earth. He promises to take even the hardest situations and bring good out of them. It happens every time, though we can miss it if we aren't willing to believe it will happen. For many of us, some of the good that has come out of grief has been our ability to connect with, encourage, and support others whose babies have died or those dealing with infertility. For others, out of the questions that inevitably come after a loss, a new and/or deeper understanding of God's love is found. Some find that relationships are restored, or new relationships begin. Regardless of what you're experiencing, trust that God will always be faithful to His promises, including His promise to work for your good.

We're still here!

Time keeps marching by, doesn't it? We have continued to meet monthly, though we've not been updating the blog. Why? Life, I suppose. We'll try to get back to sharing our monthly topics. In the meantime, consider joining us next month!