Be Present, Make Space

We're often asked how someone can support a friend/spouse/family member who is grieving the loss of a baby and/or the monthly grief of infertility.  While we wish we could give a simple five step answer, the truth is that everyone processes grief in different times, at different paces, and with different preferences. The number one frustration we hear is that people feel that others are rushing them through grief, as though there's a set-in-stone end date for grief. That's just not true. People also often feel pressured to "move on" - whatever that means! In most cases, those outside the grief experience have good hearts and want to help, but they're unsure what to do and, quite honestly, they feel uncomfortable being around the sadness/anger/grief of others.

Perhaps our best advice, besides praying, is to be present and make space.

Be present. Show up, either in person or via texts, calls, emails, or cards in the mail. Jot down the date of a due date, birthdate, or anniversary date, and reach out on those dates. Say the name of the baby who died. Be in your friend's life, and invite her into yours. Feeling isolated or rejected is really not helpful in the midst of grief.

Make space. Make space for all of the emotions of grief. Give your friend space to cry, yell, dissolve into sadness, feel happy for the day, want to do something, want to do nothing, feel kind of crazy for feeling so much at the same time...make space in your friendship for all of those things to be ok.

And by all means...please don't show frustration when she is STILL grieving, even years later. Grief is life-changing. As desperately we might want to go back to how things were before, we can't. Some things, some parts of us, are simply different. We're still trying to figure out what "normal" is going to be.

Change of Venue

In July, we met at a local shop that sells specialty chocolates and coffee drinks, among other things. It was such fun to gather at a new place, just this one time, and connect with each other. We still shared our experiences, talked about our babies, and learned a bit more about each person who came. One of the gals started a ministry after her loss as a way to help other families going through similar grief. I'm so thankful God does not waste any pain we experience here on earth. He promises to take even the hardest situations and bring good out of them. It happens every time, though we can miss it if we aren't willing to believe it will happen. For many of us, some of the good that has come out of grief has been our ability to connect with, encourage, and support others whose babies have died or those dealing with infertility. For others, out of the questions that inevitably come after a loss, a new and/or deeper understanding of God's love is found. Some find that relationships are restored, or new relationships begin. Regardless of what you're experiencing, trust that God will always be faithful to His promises, including His promise to work for your good.

We're still here!

Time keeps marching by, doesn't it? We have continued to meet monthly, though we've not been updating the blog. Why? Life, I suppose. We'll try to get back to sharing our monthly topics. In the meantime, consider joining us next month!

From a Man's Perspective

This month we were blessed to hear from a man who has walked this grief journey. So often, women come to our monthly gatherings and wonder why husbands grieve so differently - or if they are even grieving at all! It was great to hear about the male perspective from someone who has experienced loss firsthand. Of course, we acknowledge that just as women grieve uniquely, each woman somewhat different than the next, all men will grieve uniquely. Still, it can be helpful to become familiar with some generalizations.

Men want to fix things, including the sadness that a wife feels during a loss. They know they can't fix it, but they still try. And when it doesn't work, they often turn to something else, like a job or hobby, where they can experience success at fixing something. While women often want to talk about what they're feeling or experiencing, often times men simply don't want to.  It can be helpful to take men at their word when they say they're doing just fine. The best we can do is be sure the man knows he has space and freedom to talk if/when he wants to. Not talking does not indicate not caring/feeling/grieving.

Our guest indicated that Father's Day, from the perspective of a loss, is not as hard for most men as Mother's Day is for most women. Rather than going crazy trying to create a meaningful Father's Day, perhaps asking the man what he'd enjoy doing, or if he feels it's important to acknowledge the day at all, would alleviate some of the stress and pressure women often feel as the "holiday" draws near.

Men want their wives to be happy. In general, men are supportive of things that make the wife happy, whether it is time with friends, pursuing an interest or hobby, or eating out.

Our guest helped us understand that many men do not bond with the baby very much until the baby is born. That is hard for most women to understand, as they often have a strong emotional attachment during pregnancy. This could explain, in part, why there is often such a discrepancy between the way women grieve after a loss and the way men grieve.

The bottom line was to keep lines of communication open, remember what the spouse was like in terms of emotional sharing before the loss, pursue healthy "happy" activities, and continue investing in the relationship.

Hope and Seeds in the New Year

We were blessed to hear from Cathy this month, as she shared from her experiences both as a master gardener and as a woman who has experienced both infertility and miscarriage. She was gracious enough to share her notes from the meeting, which we have below for you!

First, here is a link to her blog, on which she wrote about seeds and hope. Enjoy!

http://thearranger.com/arranging-seeds-and-hope/

1. Icebreaker – Do you have a favorite hobby that you really enjoy, that feeds your soul?

For me it is gardening…Gardening is hope – I love to see a seed come to life or a plant growing.  I love to get excited and expect the fruit of that seed…Broccoli is growing right now and I can taste it on a plate with butter even though it will be several months…

I completed Master gardener training in 2006 – seed lectures -Seed Catalog…show examples – comes at the end of December/early January – seemed silly to me at first.  Why now in the middle of Winter would I order seeds for the spring?  HOPE..Is it ok to hope in the middle of Winter?  We have all experienced through loss what a “Winter” feels like…hopeless, lonely, long, hard.

Hope is a seed of sorts but I will explain that in a bit…

2. What do you think of when I say the word hope?  Definition of hope is: The expectation of future good.  Bible says in Proverbs 13:12 “ Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life”  (gardening reference!)  I grew up hearing the phrase “Don’t get your hopes up.”  This was said by those who loved me and didn’t want me to get hurt but it affected me…I decided it was better to play it safe…but this is really contrary to the Christian Walk…Jesus is all about HOPE and expectation.

3. My story brief….9 years infertility – our son Noah was born - 2 more years infertility – miscarriage(s) – 4 years infertility after that…  Infertility is not just one loss, although I had that kind too (miscarriage), but it is loss after loss every month…..So hard to continue to hope for good things/ gifts from God.  I wanted another baby, end of story.  But through it all I saw God birth other things in my life through my small amount of hope (the size of a seed)…ministry, hospitality, gardening, writing.  Have you seen God birth other things through your life during your Winter of loss?

4.  To hope is to take a risk.  When we allow ourselves to hope, we risk many things: Getting hurt, looking silly, failing, not being successful…….What makes you afraid to hope again?  The Bible tells us how many times we should forgive (70x7) but what about How many times we should hope - even after loss? 

I Corinthians 13 is the love chapter, but there are always three characteristics woven together – Faith, Hope, and Love….we know that the greatest is said to be love.  

I Corinthians 13:7 says  “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. “ 

5.  Romans 4: 16-22 (18) New Testament reference to Abraham saying “Who contrary to hope, in hope believed so that he became the father of many nations, according to what was spoken, “so shall your descendants be…as numerous as the stars.”  We are the “seed of Abraham” that is referred to.

HOPE is the open door which God’s miracles can walk through, but we need to keep the door open by continuing to hope the best we can…through the strength that God can give us….reading His word, getting together for support with others who have walked the same journey, plugging into a church body.

Psalm 39:7 “ And now Lord what do I wait for? My hope is in you…”

6. Dried flower example….looks hopeless, no life, finished producing….Seeds are shaped like little arrows and are actually new plants when put in the ground with love, sunshine, water, soil.  Even when things don’t look promising, when they look hopeless- small seeds of hope can be inside of our hearts too, planted and ready to grow into something beautiful if we will always HOPE!

We are in 2014!!

I apologize for the lack of posts lately…we have still been meeting each month, and have had some great speakers share their experiences and how God has encouraged them and brought healing. I'll try to get some notes uploaded soon :)

Survey May 2013

We handed out a survey at church, hoping for some feedback as we continue to seek the best ways to meet the needs of people who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'd love to hear from you as well!  You can email us at glorybabies@hotmail.com

The Glory Babies ministry is assessing the best ways to walk with women through the journey of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility.  If you have experienced one or more of these losses, please give us some feedback as to what was or could have been helpful to you during your time of grief. Mark as many as you would like, but please indicate which was the most helpful.

   Did        Would Have

  Help         Helped

______      ______         one-on-one meetings

______      ______         group setting with people who can relate

______      ______         email contact

______      ______         phone contact

______      ______         blog community

______      ______         prayer partner

______      ______         other:_________________________________

Any additional comments you have about your experience and the support you received or wish you had received will be very helpful to us. Feel free to use the back of this survey for those comments, or contact us via email. We appreciate your vulnerability and support!

Melissa and Amy

glorybabies@hotmail.com

www.ccc.org/glory_babies

Several month update

We've had an unusual several months, with the holidays, weather cancellations, and many people out sick. However, we're still meeting once a month, and you are welcome to contact us via phone or email (glorybabies@hotmail.com) if you need anything!

Our prayer for you is that you will be filled with God's love, seeing it play out in your life in specific and practical ways. Even in the midst of very hard times, His blessings are all around us. But if we do not notice them, we miss out on the encouragement they can bring.

Hope to see you soon!

November 2012 - His purposes

Disclaimer: for some people, in their current stage of grief, this topic will rub you the wrong way. It will feel wrong, mean, too painful; the enemy - the one who steals, kills, and destroys - the one who delights in your pain - he wants you to move further from God by reading this. 

However, this is truth. The gals who met last night had a great conversation about this topic, but I will point out that their losses, while still painful, are a little ways back. Time doesn't heal things. God heals things. But with God working in our lives, the passage of time brings increased comfort.

On to the post!  This is pulled from My Utmost for His Highest, November 10. I will copy it below:

Fellowship in the Gospel

Nov

10

2012

. . . fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ . . . —1 Thessalonians 3:2

After sanctification, it is difficult to state what your purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, “God has called me for this and for that,” you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such heartache.” To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy “world within the world,” and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being “frost-bitten.”

http://utmost.org/fellowship-in-the-gospel/

We talked about how it is ok to call out to God and share how we're feeling - just like the Psalmists did in the Bible, but that our attitude should not be one of expecting God to do things our way. At the end of our sadness, anger, and disappointment, we have to land on the truth that God is good, regardless of the bad in life. When we catch a glimpse of how short our lives are, and how long we will have in eternity, free from pain, we realize that however God chooses to use our lives for His purpose and glory is just fine. Pretty incredible that He would choose to use us at all!  

This is not meant to minimize pain or loss or say that what you're feeling is irrelevant. Rather, there comes a place in our journey when we are ready to hear that God is working His purposes in the world and His purpose in our lives, and that we can trust Him.

September 2012

This month we read the blog post below, and then talked about each of our own struggles and questions we ask ourselves. We brainstormed ways to change our own questions to reflect faith, hope and love. I highly recommend this activity for everyone! It applies to all circumstances, most certainly including infertility or the loss of a baby.

Changing the Question


I met with a friend the other day. We have an interesting history that dates back to college, which was somehow over ten years ago. (How is that possible? Will I feel like a bonafide adult any time soon?)

She told me about a training she had a long time ago that dealt with the questions we ask ourselves. She said we all ask ourselves questions, and that our minds try to find answers to every one of those questions. But when we ask bad questions, or questions that only have negative answers, we are wearing ourselves out, depleting our energy and stamina, and causing stress.

There's a process for modifying/transforming our questions. It includes evaluating how the questions make you feel in your mind, body, and soul.  I'm giving it a try....

Original question

"What is wrong with you?"  (Asked of me, by me, about myself, accompanied by anger or frustration or disappointment or despair.)

When I ask myself this question I feel upset, feel like a failure, think I'll never change. My body feels sluggish, tired, tense, heavy. My soul feels guilty, dirty, ashamed, foolish.

The first transformation is to include faith in the question and make the question more neutral.  I'm not really sure how to do this, but here's an attempt: "How is God changing your life, showing His strength in your weaknesses?"

This question says that I believe God is here, is part of my life, and isn't just ignoring me as I repeatedly fail. I still feel sad, discouraged, and tired. Still somewhat guilty, but not ashamed or dirty.  Those feelings are not positive, but they are less severely negative. Step in the right direction....

The second transformation is to include hope in the question. "How is God changing my life, giving me strength to glorify Him more every day?"  The hope in this version of the question is found in the every day part. The idea that today is a bit better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be a bit better than today. I'm not regressing, and I'm not stuck in this icky heart place. I'm moving in the right direction whether I can discern it or not.  Interesting to me that in this transformation I switched from the external "you" or "your life" to the personalized "me" or "my life."  Like I'm less accusatory and feel safe enough to acknowledge that it's me we're talking about here and not some dumb slacker. (Does that even make sense? Hmmm....)

This question says that I'm not stuck. Change is not just possible but is reality. My reality. I actually am moving in the right direction. All of this hard work is not wasted. I feel optimistic, encouraged, empowered, and on target because I'm moving closer to the goal of Christians - glorifying God. It's not about me or my actions, but about God and revealing Him to others as I bring Him glory through my life. 

The third transformation is to include love in the question. (Faith...hope...love....)  "How is God actively showing me love as He changes my life, giving me strength to glorify Him more every day?"

This question says I have value; I am loved by the King. Loved not just enough, but so much that He changes me and gives me what I need every moment of every day. I feel treasured and protected. My body wants to sit up straighter, pay attention, look straight ahead, and confidently take the next step. My soul feels at peace, not lacking in anything.

Once you have gone through these question transformations, you're supposed to ask yourself the final version of the question as you lay down and fall asleep. In time your brain will come up with an answer, and it will be a life-giving answer instead of a life-draining answer.

Let's give this a shot :)