I'm not sure who wrote this, but a friend of mine shared it with me:
A Baby’s Secret
I’m just a little fella
Who didn’t make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I’m waiting for you here.
Don’t fret about me mommy,
I’m of all Gods lambs most blest
I’d have loved to stay there with you,
But the shepherd knows what’s best.
Many dwelling here where I live,
Waited years to enter in:
Struggled through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.
So sweet Mommy don’t you sorrow,
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus bosom
From my lovely mother’s womb.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
It was brief, but don’t complain;
I had all of heaven’s glory
Suffered none of earthlings’ pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I’d have loved to brought it fame,
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
Might instead have brought it shame.
I’ll be waiting for you Mommy ---
You and Daddy, and you too sis ---
I’ll be with you then forever ---
Then we’ll enjoy heaven’s bliss.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Do you "count" the babies you've lost?
When someone asks if you have any kids, or asks how many you have, do you include in the number the baby or babies in heaven?
This is a great debate amongst those who have lost babies. Some strongly believe you must include every pregnancy in the count, as they are just as much a person as anyone we can see with our eyes. Others don't, often because it just gets messy. In a way, it's a real downer to say "I have two children here and two in heaven," but at the same time, maybe if everyone said that it'd become more understood and more accepted? "Two in heaven" leads most people to assume that the children had been born and sometime later passed away, and when they learn that the deaths were due to miscarriage or stillbirth, it's almost as if they dismiss the losses because they were "only" that kind of loss. Obviously they don't really understand what it's like to lose a baby.
Right or wrong, to many people it seems more tragic to lose a baby after birth than it does before birth. That is part of why we have to join together, share our experiences, and offer support to one another.
So for our own emotional well-being, and for that of those around us, should we not "count" the losses? I'm not going to give my opinion, as this must be left up to each person. I will, however, share what one woman told me: her answer depends upon who is asking, in what circumstance, and how she is feeling at that moment. If it's someone she trusts to handle things right, and if she feels up to going into more details, she includes the baby who died. But if she anticipates that the person will be dismissive or if she just doesn't want to "go there," she doesn't include the loss in the tally.
There are times when including the loss in the count can open up a really good and healing conversation - for you or for the other person. This is especially true if the other person lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth as well and has not felt free to talk about it with anyone.
I don't think you're wrong either way. Just something to think about.
This is a great debate amongst those who have lost babies. Some strongly believe you must include every pregnancy in the count, as they are just as much a person as anyone we can see with our eyes. Others don't, often because it just gets messy. In a way, it's a real downer to say "I have two children here and two in heaven," but at the same time, maybe if everyone said that it'd become more understood and more accepted? "Two in heaven" leads most people to assume that the children had been born and sometime later passed away, and when they learn that the deaths were due to miscarriage or stillbirth, it's almost as if they dismiss the losses because they were "only" that kind of loss. Obviously they don't really understand what it's like to lose a baby.
Right or wrong, to many people it seems more tragic to lose a baby after birth than it does before birth. That is part of why we have to join together, share our experiences, and offer support to one another.
So for our own emotional well-being, and for that of those around us, should we not "count" the losses? I'm not going to give my opinion, as this must be left up to each person. I will, however, share what one woman told me: her answer depends upon who is asking, in what circumstance, and how she is feeling at that moment. If it's someone she trusts to handle things right, and if she feels up to going into more details, she includes the baby who died. But if she anticipates that the person will be dismissive or if she just doesn't want to "go there," she doesn't include the loss in the tally.
There are times when including the loss in the count can open up a really good and healing conversation - for you or for the other person. This is especially true if the other person lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth as well and has not felt free to talk about it with anyone.
I don't think you're wrong either way. Just something to think about.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Letter from Julie's baby
Julie (see previous post) felt that this letter was for her from Merry-Joyce, the baby who miscarried. Read it and be blessed:
Dear Mama,
I saw you cryin’ the night you found out I was gone. Why were you so sad?
You loved me so much when I was with you. I could tell. You talked to me about my brother and sisters and my dad. And my Jesus.
Mama! I met my Jesus! He helped walk me home. He is so nice, mama. He loves me, Just like you said.
Mama, he loves you too. He said you’re sad because you miss me. Don’t be sad, I am forever a part of you and daddy. We’ll be together soon.
Mama I love you. Daddy, too. Please tell everyone about my Jesus.
Love, Merry-Joyce
Dear Mama,
I saw you cryin’ the night you found out I was gone. Why were you so sad?
You loved me so much when I was with you. I could tell. You talked to me about my brother and sisters and my dad. And my Jesus.
Mama! I met my Jesus! He helped walk me home. He is so nice, mama. He loves me, Just like you said.
Mama, he loves you too. He said you’re sad because you miss me. Don’t be sad, I am forever a part of you and daddy. We’ll be together soon.
Mama I love you. Daddy, too. Please tell everyone about my Jesus.
Love, Merry-Joyce
Julie's story
Hi, my name is Julie McNutt. I have four children. I have yet to meet my youngest child, as she is resting now in the arms of my Jesus. She was born into Heaven March 11, 2007. Her life verse is Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.
In January of 2007, I wasn’t feeling well. My youngest daughter, Glorey, 3 at the time, told me, “Mommy, you have a baby in your belly, that is why you don’t feel good.” Well, of course, I dismissed this idea, as much as I welcomed another baby, she was only 3, what did she know.
I made an appointment with my family doctor, for Jan 25th. The first thing he asked was, could you be pregnant. I told him it was possible, but not probable. He ran a urine test. It came out negative for pregnancy. I was sent for an abdominal x-ray, because he thought that might give him a better clue as to what was wrong. The x-ray came out OK. It did show that I MIGHT have a kidney stone, but that wouldn’t be causing the symptoms I was having. He finally diagnosed me with gastro-interitis. I ate a bland diet for 3 or 4 days until I felt better. On Jan 31, I was a couple of days late for my cycle. I had been on a 26 day cycle for 8 years, so I thought, maybe I am pregnant after all. I bought a home test, and it was positive.
When I told my 3 year old I did have a baby in my belly, she said, “No you don’t, you have two.”
On Feb 1, I was scheduled for my yearly exam, with my OB/GYN. I told the doctor I had taken a home test and it was positive. He congratulated me, wrote orders for pregnancy labs, and gave me a script for vitamins. Shortly thereafter, I started feeling really tired. This being my 4th time around, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me was that I was getting headaches. They were not horrible, just annoying.
At my next appt. on March 1, I mentioned the headaches. I was told it was not abnormal, and instructed as to what I could take to relieve them. I am not one to take medication if I can function without it, so I just decided to tough it out. At the time I was 38 yrs old, it was my fourth pregnancy, I was more tired than with my other pregnancies and I am fairly tall. The Dr. suggested all of these things can play into having a multiple pregnancy. I told the doctor what my daughter had said about having 2 babies in my belly, and he thought that was funny. Add to that, he usually delivers 3 sets of twins a year, and he only delivered 2 the year before, so he needed to catch up. He scheduled a sonogram for March 29, at which time I would have been about 13 weeks, just to see if Glorey knew something we didn’t.
On March 9th, I was at my best friend, Jeannes, house, for a scrapbooking party. I went to the bathroom, and noticed some brownish discharge. I called the Dr.s office number. Of course, this being a Friday night, and not an emergency, I was told the nurse on call would call me back. An eternity passed, the phone rang, and the nurse assured me everything was fine. If the discharge became red, call back. On Sunday morning, it was red. I called back. Since it was just a light flow, I should just go about my day. But keep an eye on it. We went to Sunday school. I had everybody pray.
This is when I started wrestling. I told God, He couldn’t have my baby. He gave it to me, and although it would always belong to Him, it was mine, and he couldn’t have it back. I wanted this baby. I had already named her. Naomi Ruth. Surely He wouldn’t take her, now that we were calling her by name. That just wouldn’t be nice. He told me, this isn’t about the Baby. This is about you and me. I gave him my baby, knowing if I didn’t give it up, I would be losing much more.
After church, we went to Carlos O’Kelleys for lunch. While waiting for a table, I went to the bathroom. I came out, cancelled our table, and told my husband we were going to drop the kids off at Jeannes. He understood. I called Jeanne, told her we were bringing the kids over to play. She understood.
At the hospital, they did an internal sonogram, a cervical check, and blood work. I never lost hope. Although I was preparing for the worst. Finally, the doctor came in and told me, although my cervix was still closed, I had no baby in my womb. My husband cried. I just accepted it as fact.
Because we had gone to Via Christi, it being a Catholic Hospital, a Sister came in to talk to me. She assured me I had done nothing wrong to cause this. She also reminded me of another mother who lost her son almost 2000 years ago.
The next day, I called my OB, told him what happened, and scheduled an appt. for 3:30 that day. I told my husband I could go alone, so he could watch the kids. I made it to the building, and on the way up in the elevator, my body let go of all remaining pregnancy product. I made my way to the bathroom and called the office from my cell phone. Marsha, my nurse, brought in a wheelchair to escort me to the office. Because he couldn’t stop my bleeding, the Dr. instructed me to call my husband to come get me and take me to the hospital. I underwent surgery for a D & C.
I realized the struggle of giving my baby back to the Father just the day before was the only reason I was able to make it through. The one thing I had wanted more than anything in the world was taken from me. But I know my Father has only the best in store for me. I also have the promise that He has a plan. I don’t know what that plan is. But I trust Him.
The next week was a blur. Not because of grief. But because of love. Our church family surrounded us and showered us with cards, phone calls, meals, hugs. My other mother even arranged a tea party with the Ladies of Royal Purple ministry. (Tea parties are my favorite indulgence next to chocolate.)
One of the most important things I did for me to help with the grief, was to name my baby. I have always been fascinated by names. So I wanted a name that would honor my child, and my experience. Her name is Merry-Joyce. One reason I changed it, was because I needed something to help me remember her with a happy heart, not a sorrowful one. Mary spelled MARY means bitter. Merry spelled MERRY means happy. Joyce means joyful. I know how easy it would be to be bitter about this. But just saying her name, reminds me to rejoice. I still have the Father. In that I can rejoice.
I do have times where all I can do cry. Sometimes it is a song. Sometimes it is a baby belly on another woman. The hardest day so far was my birthday just past. I was supposed to be a mother of four children.
Some day, when I get home, I will get to meet my baby, maybe even my 2 babies. Until then, I will use this experience to bring glory to my Father.
At the beginning of my talk, I told you I had given my baby the life verse Eccl. 3:11. Because my miscarriage was a 2 day event, I decided that it was necessary to give my child a 2nd verse. Eccl 3:12 reads, So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
In January of 2007, I wasn’t feeling well. My youngest daughter, Glorey, 3 at the time, told me, “Mommy, you have a baby in your belly, that is why you don’t feel good.” Well, of course, I dismissed this idea, as much as I welcomed another baby, she was only 3, what did she know.
I made an appointment with my family doctor, for Jan 25th. The first thing he asked was, could you be pregnant. I told him it was possible, but not probable. He ran a urine test. It came out negative for pregnancy. I was sent for an abdominal x-ray, because he thought that might give him a better clue as to what was wrong. The x-ray came out OK. It did show that I MIGHT have a kidney stone, but that wouldn’t be causing the symptoms I was having. He finally diagnosed me with gastro-interitis. I ate a bland diet for 3 or 4 days until I felt better. On Jan 31, I was a couple of days late for my cycle. I had been on a 26 day cycle for 8 years, so I thought, maybe I am pregnant after all. I bought a home test, and it was positive.
When I told my 3 year old I did have a baby in my belly, she said, “No you don’t, you have two.”
On Feb 1, I was scheduled for my yearly exam, with my OB/GYN. I told the doctor I had taken a home test and it was positive. He congratulated me, wrote orders for pregnancy labs, and gave me a script for vitamins. Shortly thereafter, I started feeling really tired. This being my 4th time around, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me was that I was getting headaches. They were not horrible, just annoying.
At my next appt. on March 1, I mentioned the headaches. I was told it was not abnormal, and instructed as to what I could take to relieve them. I am not one to take medication if I can function without it, so I just decided to tough it out. At the time I was 38 yrs old, it was my fourth pregnancy, I was more tired than with my other pregnancies and I am fairly tall. The Dr. suggested all of these things can play into having a multiple pregnancy. I told the doctor what my daughter had said about having 2 babies in my belly, and he thought that was funny. Add to that, he usually delivers 3 sets of twins a year, and he only delivered 2 the year before, so he needed to catch up. He scheduled a sonogram for March 29, at which time I would have been about 13 weeks, just to see if Glorey knew something we didn’t.
On March 9th, I was at my best friend, Jeannes, house, for a scrapbooking party. I went to the bathroom, and noticed some brownish discharge. I called the Dr.s office number. Of course, this being a Friday night, and not an emergency, I was told the nurse on call would call me back. An eternity passed, the phone rang, and the nurse assured me everything was fine. If the discharge became red, call back. On Sunday morning, it was red. I called back. Since it was just a light flow, I should just go about my day. But keep an eye on it. We went to Sunday school. I had everybody pray.
This is when I started wrestling. I told God, He couldn’t have my baby. He gave it to me, and although it would always belong to Him, it was mine, and he couldn’t have it back. I wanted this baby. I had already named her. Naomi Ruth. Surely He wouldn’t take her, now that we were calling her by name. That just wouldn’t be nice. He told me, this isn’t about the Baby. This is about you and me. I gave him my baby, knowing if I didn’t give it up, I would be losing much more.
After church, we went to Carlos O’Kelleys for lunch. While waiting for a table, I went to the bathroom. I came out, cancelled our table, and told my husband we were going to drop the kids off at Jeannes. He understood. I called Jeanne, told her we were bringing the kids over to play. She understood.
At the hospital, they did an internal sonogram, a cervical check, and blood work. I never lost hope. Although I was preparing for the worst. Finally, the doctor came in and told me, although my cervix was still closed, I had no baby in my womb. My husband cried. I just accepted it as fact.
Because we had gone to Via Christi, it being a Catholic Hospital, a Sister came in to talk to me. She assured me I had done nothing wrong to cause this. She also reminded me of another mother who lost her son almost 2000 years ago.
The next day, I called my OB, told him what happened, and scheduled an appt. for 3:30 that day. I told my husband I could go alone, so he could watch the kids. I made it to the building, and on the way up in the elevator, my body let go of all remaining pregnancy product. I made my way to the bathroom and called the office from my cell phone. Marsha, my nurse, brought in a wheelchair to escort me to the office. Because he couldn’t stop my bleeding, the Dr. instructed me to call my husband to come get me and take me to the hospital. I underwent surgery for a D & C.
I realized the struggle of giving my baby back to the Father just the day before was the only reason I was able to make it through. The one thing I had wanted more than anything in the world was taken from me. But I know my Father has only the best in store for me. I also have the promise that He has a plan. I don’t know what that plan is. But I trust Him.
The next week was a blur. Not because of grief. But because of love. Our church family surrounded us and showered us with cards, phone calls, meals, hugs. My other mother even arranged a tea party with the Ladies of Royal Purple ministry. (Tea parties are my favorite indulgence next to chocolate.)
One of the most important things I did for me to help with the grief, was to name my baby. I have always been fascinated by names. So I wanted a name that would honor my child, and my experience. Her name is Merry-Joyce. One reason I changed it, was because I needed something to help me remember her with a happy heart, not a sorrowful one. Mary spelled MARY means bitter. Merry spelled MERRY means happy. Joyce means joyful. I know how easy it would be to be bitter about this. But just saying her name, reminds me to rejoice. I still have the Father. In that I can rejoice.
I do have times where all I can do cry. Sometimes it is a song. Sometimes it is a baby belly on another woman. The hardest day so far was my birthday just past. I was supposed to be a mother of four children.
Some day, when I get home, I will get to meet my baby, maybe even my 2 babies. Until then, I will use this experience to bring glory to my Father.
At the beginning of my talk, I told you I had given my baby the life verse Eccl. 3:11. Because my miscarriage was a 2 day event, I decided that it was necessary to give my child a 2nd verse. Eccl 3:12 reads, So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Do's and Don'ts
The following is a resource I found from Bethany House. Please keep in mind that everyone is different and processes grief differently; some people will react in the exact opposite way from what is stated. However, the majority tend to feel similarly to what is described below.
More than anything, my goal is for this resource to make you think about what you say and why you say it. Are you trying to make yourself feel better for saying the "cure-all" sentence? Or do you truly have their best interests in mind even if their grief makes you sad or uncomfortable?
One final word - please do not read this and decide that you shouldn't do or say anything for fear it'll be wrong. You play a very important role in the lives of those around you who are grieving. Don't allow Satan to convince you that you should stay quiet. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak through you, ministering exactly as is needed at exactly the right time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After My Miscarriage
Don't tell me, "You can have another baby." How do you know? Besides, I want this baby.
Don't tell me, "at least it happened before it was born. It's not like you knew the baby." I did know my baby. For the short time s/he was with me, I loved my baby with all my heart. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. I had names picked out and a theme for the nursery. I knew my baby was going to be a very special person.
Don't tell me, "It's just one of those things." It was not just "one of those things" from my viewpoint. Miscarriage has had a devastating effect on my life, and making it sound as though it was an unimportant event does not lessen the impact.
Don't tell me, "It's common," or "It happens to a lot of women." This happened to me, and all I want is to have my baby back.
Don't tell me "It was just a blob of tissue." In my heart and in God's eyes, I know I was carrying a living being inside me from the moment s/he was conceived. Please don't trivialize my beliefs or that precious life.
Don't tell me, "You should be over it by now." Even though the physical effects may have subsided, I am still hurting emotionally. My child has died, and it takes much longer than a week or two to recover from that pain.
Don't tell me, "You'll get over it." The miscarriage was the death of my child. I will never "get over it." The pain and grief will eventually lessen, but I will always wonder what my child would have been like. Every should-have-been birthday, and every anniversary of the miscarriage will be a reminder.
Don't tell me, "You should get pregnant again as soon as possible. That'll help." Help what? I need time to grieve the baby I have lost. I can't even begin to think about getting pregnant again at this time.
Don't tell me, "It won't happen again. The next time will be fine." Again, how do you know? My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage also, even after doctors said there was no reason it wouldn't be successful the second time around.
Do listen to me when I want, or need, to talk about what I am going through.
Do be sensitive to the fact that I probably won't want to hear about your pregnant friend/neighbor/cousin/daughter, or about your new grandchildren or nieces and nephews for a while.
Do give me time to grieve. Some days I may need your shoulder to cry on after everyone else thinks I should be "okay" by now.
Do understand that there are "milestone days," such as the expected due date or the time I should have felt the first kick, when I will be feeling the loss as deeply as when the miscarriage occurred. I will need your support then.
Do know that I am like any other person who has experienced the death of a loved one. I may not feel like talking when you come for a visit, or I may do things you may think inappropriate - such as clean the house - just to have something to do so I don't have to think. Be patient with me.
Do show care to others who have experienced miscarriage. Treat their loss with the same respect and love you would give if they were suffering the death of any other loved one.
Do let those of us who are going through - or have gone through - a miscarriage know that we are not alone. Send a note or make a phone call to let us know you're thinking of us, especially on those difficult "milestone days." Sometimes we feel that we're the only ones who remember, and it's nice to know that our baby was important to you too.
More than anything, my goal is for this resource to make you think about what you say and why you say it. Are you trying to make yourself feel better for saying the "cure-all" sentence? Or do you truly have their best interests in mind even if their grief makes you sad or uncomfortable?
One final word - please do not read this and decide that you shouldn't do or say anything for fear it'll be wrong. You play a very important role in the lives of those around you who are grieving. Don't allow Satan to convince you that you should stay quiet. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak through you, ministering exactly as is needed at exactly the right time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After My Miscarriage
Don't tell me, "You can have another baby." How do you know? Besides, I want this baby.
Don't tell me, "at least it happened before it was born. It's not like you knew the baby." I did know my baby. For the short time s/he was with me, I loved my baby with all my heart. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. I had names picked out and a theme for the nursery. I knew my baby was going to be a very special person.
Don't tell me, "It's just one of those things." It was not just "one of those things" from my viewpoint. Miscarriage has had a devastating effect on my life, and making it sound as though it was an unimportant event does not lessen the impact.
Don't tell me, "It's common," or "It happens to a lot of women." This happened to me, and all I want is to have my baby back.
Don't tell me "It was just a blob of tissue." In my heart and in God's eyes, I know I was carrying a living being inside me from the moment s/he was conceived. Please don't trivialize my beliefs or that precious life.
Don't tell me, "You should be over it by now." Even though the physical effects may have subsided, I am still hurting emotionally. My child has died, and it takes much longer than a week or two to recover from that pain.
Don't tell me, "You'll get over it." The miscarriage was the death of my child. I will never "get over it." The pain and grief will eventually lessen, but I will always wonder what my child would have been like. Every should-have-been birthday, and every anniversary of the miscarriage will be a reminder.
Don't tell me, "You should get pregnant again as soon as possible. That'll help." Help what? I need time to grieve the baby I have lost. I can't even begin to think about getting pregnant again at this time.
Don't tell me, "It won't happen again. The next time will be fine." Again, how do you know? My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage also, even after doctors said there was no reason it wouldn't be successful the second time around.
Do listen to me when I want, or need, to talk about what I am going through.
Do be sensitive to the fact that I probably won't want to hear about your pregnant friend/neighbor/cousin/daughter, or about your new grandchildren or nieces and nephews for a while.
Do give me time to grieve. Some days I may need your shoulder to cry on after everyone else thinks I should be "okay" by now.
Do understand that there are "milestone days," such as the expected due date or the time I should have felt the first kick, when I will be feeling the loss as deeply as when the miscarriage occurred. I will need your support then.
Do know that I am like any other person who has experienced the death of a loved one. I may not feel like talking when you come for a visit, or I may do things you may think inappropriate - such as clean the house - just to have something to do so I don't have to think. Be patient with me.
Do show care to others who have experienced miscarriage. Treat their loss with the same respect and love you would give if they were suffering the death of any other loved one.
Do let those of us who are going through - or have gone through - a miscarriage know that we are not alone. Send a note or make a phone call to let us know you're thinking of us, especially on those difficult "milestone days." Sometimes we feel that we're the only ones who remember, and it's nice to know that our baby was important to you too.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
First Glory Babies gathering
Below is the bulletin announcement for our first gathering. If you have any ideas for this gathering, please call, email, or post a comment. I want women and their husbands to feel comfortable to come, and to be as outgoing or as anonymous as they desire. I want them to leave feeling encouraged, validated, and understood. Two ladies have agreed to share parts of their stories of loss, but I'm not yet sure what else the night will look like.
You are invited to join the Glory Babies ministry as we gather for a night of encouragement and fellowship.
Tuesday, August 12 at 7pm in the Parlor.
Light refreshments will be served.
Please RSVP to Melissa through the e-mail below or contact her at 706-1822 should you have any questions.
Glory Babies is a ministry that walks with women through the losses of miscarriage and stillbirth.
glorybabies@hotmail.com
http://www.glorybabies.blogspot.com/
You are invited to join the Glory Babies ministry as we gather for a night of encouragement and fellowship.
Tuesday, August 12 at 7pm in the Parlor.
Light refreshments will be served.
Please RSVP to Melissa through the e-mail below or contact her at 706-1822 should you have any questions.
Glory Babies is a ministry that walks with women through the losses of miscarriage and stillbirth.
glorybabies@hotmail.com
http://www.glorybabies.blogspot.com/
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Not forgotten
This is another excerpt from my friend's blog:
I am continuing to work on my garden. I am almost done with all of the rock and landscaping, now I have to pick out what types of plants that I want to put in there as well. This project has been very meaningful to me b/c I feel it is a way to honor Caden and to never let him be forgotten. Forgotten, that is a word that has come up a lot lately. I do feel that way very much lately. I know a little bit of why I feel that way, but don't entirely understand it. I really don't want Caden to be forgotten, and in my efforts to be the best person I can be, I think that if I am happy and doing well, then I am forgetting him. Even though I didn't get to know him really, I would have liked to have had the chance to be the best mom that I could be. When I think about wanting to have another baby, I think that I am such an awful person for thinking that way b/c my son is not here. How can I ever be happy again, when there is so much pain inside me. At times like this I see myself taking thousands of steps backwards. Going backwards is the most awful thing for me to do in my own eyes. I just don't know what to do sometimes and just cry and cry. It is so hard to go back and deal w/ things that I thought I had gotten through already.
For the longest time I have seen God as a good God, and I still believe that, but for a while now, I think to myself what is the use? Like today, I remembered to pray for a friend was going through a very scary medical procedure, and while I was praying for her, I said to God, " I don't even know if you hear me anymore, but please be w/ my friend and protect her and give her a sense of peace and calmness as she goes through her procedure." It make me so very sad when I hear myself say those things. I don't want to be mad or angry w/ God, and I know that he is only looking out for me, but I just don't understand him right now. Even so, I still pray and hope that he will hear me someday. Maybe one day I will know why I have to suffer so much right now.
When we lost Caden, I felt abandoned by God, my friends, & family off and on so very many times. I felt like every time that I was pushed to hurry through my grief and be ok again, that Caden was being taken away from me all over again, that pain stings more than I will ever be able to express.
I am continuing to work on my garden. I am almost done with all of the rock and landscaping, now I have to pick out what types of plants that I want to put in there as well. This project has been very meaningful to me b/c I feel it is a way to honor Caden and to never let him be forgotten. Forgotten, that is a word that has come up a lot lately. I do feel that way very much lately. I know a little bit of why I feel that way, but don't entirely understand it. I really don't want Caden to be forgotten, and in my efforts to be the best person I can be, I think that if I am happy and doing well, then I am forgetting him. Even though I didn't get to know him really, I would have liked to have had the chance to be the best mom that I could be. When I think about wanting to have another baby, I think that I am such an awful person for thinking that way b/c my son is not here. How can I ever be happy again, when there is so much pain inside me. At times like this I see myself taking thousands of steps backwards. Going backwards is the most awful thing for me to do in my own eyes. I just don't know what to do sometimes and just cry and cry. It is so hard to go back and deal w/ things that I thought I had gotten through already.
For the longest time I have seen God as a good God, and I still believe that, but for a while now, I think to myself what is the use? Like today, I remembered to pray for a friend was going through a very scary medical procedure, and while I was praying for her, I said to God, " I don't even know if you hear me anymore, but please be w/ my friend and protect her and give her a sense of peace and calmness as she goes through her procedure." It make me so very sad when I hear myself say those things. I don't want to be mad or angry w/ God, and I know that he is only looking out for me, but I just don't understand him right now. Even so, I still pray and hope that he will hear me someday. Maybe one day I will know why I have to suffer so much right now.
When we lost Caden, I felt abandoned by God, my friends, & family off and on so very many times. I felt like every time that I was pushed to hurry through my grief and be ok again, that Caden was being taken away from me all over again, that pain stings more than I will ever be able to express.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Ups and downs
Below is an excerpt from a blog that a friend of mine wrote. Her son was stillborn last November. Please keep her (and her husband) in your prayers. She graciously gave me permission to include it on this blog. Reading it I am challenged to be a better friend, to be more authentic, and to never quit evolving into who God has created me to be. May you be blessed as you read this.
-------------------------------
I finally gave my friend her quilt/blanket that I made for her tonight. I had it finished a couple of weeks ago when I couln't sleep one night. Going to her baby shower was one of the hardest things that I have done. I couldn't even look at the things that she got, especially the clothes. I never got to have a shower, and I will never have that same excited feeling again. I wish that I could have that back, but I guess that is all part of my healing process. I hope that one day I can actually be somewhat joyful and attend a baby shower for friends.
A lot of people ask us how we are doing? It is so easy to say "Fine", when really we have so much on our minds and hearts that we aren't sure if anyone is really wanting to know how we really are. So here goes.
My husband: He has been reading this book about a pastor in Olathe who lost his college aged son. The book is about what he is learning through his grief process. A lot of what the book has to say hits home and he can definitely relate to it. I think that it is great to have a man's perspective on grief. His sometimes wonders how Caden would have been at this stage. He would have been 7 months old. My husband right now is in so much need of encouragement. He needs some kind of reassurance that life is going to get better than it is right now. He also wants to move on but not forget Caden and feel good about life again. I am proud of him though, b/c he is still continuing to reach out to other guys and invite them to do things with him or play on his sports teams with him. He is so good about that kind of thing. He also has been so much more open about how life is just hard sometimes, and I see him reallly searching for the truth GOD and what GOD wants him to do in his life. He doesn't have things all figured out, but he is showing me that when things are so super tough and we don't think we can do it, we are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus and he will sustain us.
Me: I have my ups and downs and when I am down, I am REALLY down. All I can do is just cry when I have those down times. It is so hard to explain or even be a part of. I so much want to be different and joyful. I feel as if grief has taken so much away from who I am that I can't see who I am becoming again. I really struggle with that. Right now the hardest place for me to be is church. I wish it weren't so, but I praise God so much at home and in my own time and place and have seen glimpses of God in a very private and personal way, that when I am at church, I feel like I am just there to be there. I feel like I have been labeled "The Girl Who Lost Her Son." I wonder sometimes if my life or Caden's even matters at all to anyone anymore. I love the people at my church, but sometimes it is so hard to be there. I sit by myself sometimes, and it hurts so much that no one stops to ask me if I would like to sit with them. I also have felt like I need to go to the altar every time I have the chance to just thank God for getting me this far. I often would love for someone to come and pray with me just to know that they still care and that I still matter and that Caden still matters, but a lot of times that doesn't happen. I know that many people have no idea what to say or do, so they say nothing and do nothing. That sometimes makes it worse for me, because I think that they just don't care. I get the feeling that people just don't know how to be around me right now. I am so completely lost when I am at church and just don't know where I belong or fit in. Do I even have a place right now? My only child is not with me, but I did have a son, I am not too old, so where does that leave me? That is what I am needing constant prayer and support to find that place where I belong again. I feel like I am starting all over again, and it is soooooooooo hard.
Real quick. I have come to terms with some aspects about Caden dying and my guilt and such. I recently read a book called " A Room of Marvels." In the book the author goes to heaven where many of the people that have died or that he had impacted in some way are in heaven taking him on a journey to his special room. You know the verse " In my house there are many rooms,... I will go there to prepare a place for you" (my very paraphrased version). Anyways, his daughter is there. She died when she was 2. She is the one that asked God to let her father take this journey. He sees all of the people's lives that he has touched in one way or another that he never even knew about. The last stop on his journey is into his "room" where his daughter is waiting for him. She talks to him about why he is always so sad and in pain when he thinks of her. She assures him that she is just fine, and doesn't have to be crippled anymore. In heaven she is "perfect". She wants her daddy to not be in so much pain b/c she isn't and that some day they will see each other again. But for right now she is saving his "room" for him until he comes. That was such a touching chapter that I cried the entire time I was reading it. What I learned from it to relate to myself is that Caden is ok. He is waiting for me and wants me to be happy. He knows how much I miss him and the life that we could have shared together, but he is in perfection and doesn't have to feel any pain. He knows that I will be happy again, and he wants that for me. He is looking down on me and wants me to do the best I can and to keep looking to GOD for my strength. He is with me always. What a great thought.
-------------------------------
I finally gave my friend her quilt/blanket that I made for her tonight. I had it finished a couple of weeks ago when I couln't sleep one night. Going to her baby shower was one of the hardest things that I have done. I couldn't even look at the things that she got, especially the clothes. I never got to have a shower, and I will never have that same excited feeling again. I wish that I could have that back, but I guess that is all part of my healing process. I hope that one day I can actually be somewhat joyful and attend a baby shower for friends.
A lot of people ask us how we are doing? It is so easy to say "Fine", when really we have so much on our minds and hearts that we aren't sure if anyone is really wanting to know how we really are. So here goes.
My husband: He has been reading this book about a pastor in Olathe who lost his college aged son. The book is about what he is learning through his grief process. A lot of what the book has to say hits home and he can definitely relate to it. I think that it is great to have a man's perspective on grief. His sometimes wonders how Caden would have been at this stage. He would have been 7 months old. My husband right now is in so much need of encouragement. He needs some kind of reassurance that life is going to get better than it is right now. He also wants to move on but not forget Caden and feel good about life again. I am proud of him though, b/c he is still continuing to reach out to other guys and invite them to do things with him or play on his sports teams with him. He is so good about that kind of thing. He also has been so much more open about how life is just hard sometimes, and I see him reallly searching for the truth GOD and what GOD wants him to do in his life. He doesn't have things all figured out, but he is showing me that when things are so super tough and we don't think we can do it, we are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus and he will sustain us.
Me: I have my ups and downs and when I am down, I am REALLY down. All I can do is just cry when I have those down times. It is so hard to explain or even be a part of. I so much want to be different and joyful. I feel as if grief has taken so much away from who I am that I can't see who I am becoming again. I really struggle with that. Right now the hardest place for me to be is church. I wish it weren't so, but I praise God so much at home and in my own time and place and have seen glimpses of God in a very private and personal way, that when I am at church, I feel like I am just there to be there. I feel like I have been labeled "The Girl Who Lost Her Son." I wonder sometimes if my life or Caden's even matters at all to anyone anymore. I love the people at my church, but sometimes it is so hard to be there. I sit by myself sometimes, and it hurts so much that no one stops to ask me if I would like to sit with them. I also have felt like I need to go to the altar every time I have the chance to just thank God for getting me this far. I often would love for someone to come and pray with me just to know that they still care and that I still matter and that Caden still matters, but a lot of times that doesn't happen. I know that many people have no idea what to say or do, so they say nothing and do nothing. That sometimes makes it worse for me, because I think that they just don't care. I get the feeling that people just don't know how to be around me right now. I am so completely lost when I am at church and just don't know where I belong or fit in. Do I even have a place right now? My only child is not with me, but I did have a son, I am not too old, so where does that leave me? That is what I am needing constant prayer and support to find that place where I belong again. I feel like I am starting all over again, and it is soooooooooo hard.
Real quick. I have come to terms with some aspects about Caden dying and my guilt and such. I recently read a book called " A Room of Marvels." In the book the author goes to heaven where many of the people that have died or that he had impacted in some way are in heaven taking him on a journey to his special room. You know the verse " In my house there are many rooms,... I will go there to prepare a place for you" (my very paraphrased version). Anyways, his daughter is there. She died when she was 2. She is the one that asked God to let her father take this journey. He sees all of the people's lives that he has touched in one way or another that he never even knew about. The last stop on his journey is into his "room" where his daughter is waiting for him. She talks to him about why he is always so sad and in pain when he thinks of her. She assures him that she is just fine, and doesn't have to be crippled anymore. In heaven she is "perfect". She wants her daddy to not be in so much pain b/c she isn't and that some day they will see each other again. But for right now she is saving his "room" for him until he comes. That was such a touching chapter that I cried the entire time I was reading it. What I learned from it to relate to myself is that Caden is ok. He is waiting for me and wants me to be happy. He knows how much I miss him and the life that we could have shared together, but he is in perfection and doesn't have to feel any pain. He knows that I will be happy again, and he wants that for me. He is looking down on me and wants me to do the best I can and to keep looking to GOD for my strength. He is with me always. What a great thought.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Resources summaries
The following are books we've reviewed and found useful in this ministry:
Grieving the Loss of a Loved One
Kathy Wunnenberg. 235 pages.
A consumable resource for the parent who requests daily guidance through the many emotions affiliated with grief and loss. Author draws attention to Biblical characters who experienced similar emotions. Space available for guided journaling. While not specifically directed at infant loss, this could prove to be a valuable resource. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent.
On Grief and Grieving
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler. 232 pages.
Addresses the five most common stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Chapter on “Angels” and the afterlife are questionable. Includes practical advice regarding children affected by loss, suicide, memories and taking care of one’s self during a time of bereavement. Not scripturally based (not inherently un-scriptural, just not purposely based on the Bible). Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide
Joani Nelson Horchler and Robin Rice. 312 pages.
Information and comfort for grieving family and friends. An endearing collection of personal stories of those who have lost babies due to SIDS. Artfully compiled to address the serious issues of defining SIDS, funeral arrangements, marking the holidays, loss to grandparents, etc. A great resource for this specific type of infant loss. Not necessarily scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
Grieving God’s Way
Margaret Brownley. 314 pages.
A collection of 36 short chapters addressing various moments and activities that encourage healing. Ideal for the person who is unable to sit idle during the season of grief. Short daily readings. Recommended for the grieving parent and the grief partner seeking active ways to encourage healing. Scripturally based.
When You Don’t Know What To Say
Harold Ivan Smith. 87 pages.
A short, concise work equipping each grief partner (healer) with more than words or actions to aide the person who is grieving, but gives the proper posture when committing to walk the journey of grief. Scriptural. Highly recommended for every grief partner.
I’ll Hold You In Heaven
Jack Hayford. 113 pages.
A concise work addressing the questions often raised by those who have lost a baby to miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth and even abortion. This booklet addresses he reality and significance of even the tiniest little being. It answers the question, “Where did my baby go?” And it directs the bereaved in how to walk with the assurance that the child will one day be held on Heaven. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scripturally based.
A B Cs of Healthy Grieving (A companion for everyday coping)
Harold Ivan Smith. 170 pages.
The precise handbook gives daily encouragement while coping with the various stages and emotions due to loss of a loved one. Each ‘devotional entry’ ends with an “I can…” statement which enables the grieving person to press on. Recommended for grieving parents. Not scripturally based.
Silent Grief
Clara Hinton. 192 pages.
This work chronicles one woman’s walk through her own grief at the loss of a baby. Together with other people’s stories the author addresses such issues as the immediate pain of loss, well meaning friends, and moving on. It is a bit like reading through another person’s journal. Recommended for the grieving parent. Scriptural.
Empty Arms
Pam Vredevelt. 166 pages.
Beginning with the author’s own loss due to a stillbirth, the reader is taken through the long journey of loss and grief. Vredevelt artfully weaves medical information together with her expertise as a counselor to answer many haunting questions of why. She addresses the loss to husbands, spiritual/emotional battles, and well-meaning but bumbling friends. Through knowledge and helpful suggestions, this book equips both the grieving parents and the grief partner. Scriptural.
Safe in the Arms of God
John MacArthur. 171 pages.
MacArthur addresses the difficult questions of a baby’s eternity. When people say, “Your baby is in heaven,” can we be sure of that? He addresses the inherit sin of mankind and the innate innocence of little ones with direct scriptural references. Ideal for the person who needs Biblical proof of these truths. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scriptural.
Safe in the Arms of Jesus
Robert Lightner. 92 pages.
The author provides a sound basis for our hope that little ones truly are “safe in the arms of Jesus.” Lightner argues that the one who is unable to make the decision for/against salvation in Christ before his/her death is not bound by the requirements of sin. An insightful read for either the grieving parent agonizing over the question and for the grief partner who is often faced with the question. Scriptural.
Empty Arms
Sherokee Ilse. 70 pages.
Having experienced, miscarriage, stillbirth and ectopic pregnancy herself, the author addresses several pertinent issues dealing with the death of a baby. She addresses the immediate issues/needs in the moment of loss as well as the long term needs of the grieving. Concise, helpful. Not scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
Good guilt, Bad Guilt – and what to do with each
Becca Cowen Johnson. 174 pages.
Author explores the difference between good guilt, the purpose of a healthy conscience, and bad guilt, the shame that condemns. Cowen Johnson explores family expectations, religious expectations and cultural guilt. Chapters 12 through 17 address the actions needed to alleviate guilt in a healthy, God-inspired way. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent who is crippled by guilt at the loss of a baby.
When the Cradle Is Empty
John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter. 162 pages.
This book addresses the many issues couples experiencing infertility may face. As multiple miscarriages are common for infertile couples, this may help those struggling with two types of loss; the loss of a baby and the loss of hope. The couple addresses such issues as faith during loss, high-tech methods to achieve pregnancy, and finally the end of the journey. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent also dealing with infertility.
The Blessing Book
Linda Dillow. 131 pages.
The author addresses our reactions to different types of fear and pain as seen throughout the Psalms. The book is a guided study useful to anyone dealing with difficult circumstances. Scriptural. Recommended to grieving parents and the grief partner who desires a shared biblical study.
Grieving the Loss of a Loved One
Kathy Wunnenberg. 235 pages.
A consumable resource for the parent who requests daily guidance through the many emotions affiliated with grief and loss. Author draws attention to Biblical characters who experienced similar emotions. Space available for guided journaling. While not specifically directed at infant loss, this could prove to be a valuable resource. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent.
On Grief and Grieving
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler. 232 pages.
Addresses the five most common stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Chapter on “Angels” and the afterlife are questionable. Includes practical advice regarding children affected by loss, suicide, memories and taking care of one’s self during a time of bereavement. Not scripturally based (not inherently un-scriptural, just not purposely based on the Bible). Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide
Joani Nelson Horchler and Robin Rice. 312 pages.
Information and comfort for grieving family and friends. An endearing collection of personal stories of those who have lost babies due to SIDS. Artfully compiled to address the serious issues of defining SIDS, funeral arrangements, marking the holidays, loss to grandparents, etc. A great resource for this specific type of infant loss. Not necessarily scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
Grieving God’s Way
Margaret Brownley. 314 pages.
A collection of 36 short chapters addressing various moments and activities that encourage healing. Ideal for the person who is unable to sit idle during the season of grief. Short daily readings. Recommended for the grieving parent and the grief partner seeking active ways to encourage healing. Scripturally based.
When You Don’t Know What To Say
Harold Ivan Smith. 87 pages.
A short, concise work equipping each grief partner (healer) with more than words or actions to aide the person who is grieving, but gives the proper posture when committing to walk the journey of grief. Scriptural. Highly recommended for every grief partner.
I’ll Hold You In Heaven
Jack Hayford. 113 pages.
A concise work addressing the questions often raised by those who have lost a baby to miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth and even abortion. This booklet addresses he reality and significance of even the tiniest little being. It answers the question, “Where did my baby go?” And it directs the bereaved in how to walk with the assurance that the child will one day be held on Heaven. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scripturally based.
A B Cs of Healthy Grieving (A companion for everyday coping)
Harold Ivan Smith. 170 pages.
The precise handbook gives daily encouragement while coping with the various stages and emotions due to loss of a loved one. Each ‘devotional entry’ ends with an “I can…” statement which enables the grieving person to press on. Recommended for grieving parents. Not scripturally based.
Silent Grief
Clara Hinton. 192 pages.
This work chronicles one woman’s walk through her own grief at the loss of a baby. Together with other people’s stories the author addresses such issues as the immediate pain of loss, well meaning friends, and moving on. It is a bit like reading through another person’s journal. Recommended for the grieving parent. Scriptural.
Empty Arms
Pam Vredevelt. 166 pages.
Beginning with the author’s own loss due to a stillbirth, the reader is taken through the long journey of loss and grief. Vredevelt artfully weaves medical information together with her expertise as a counselor to answer many haunting questions of why. She addresses the loss to husbands, spiritual/emotional battles, and well-meaning but bumbling friends. Through knowledge and helpful suggestions, this book equips both the grieving parents and the grief partner. Scriptural.
Safe in the Arms of God
John MacArthur. 171 pages.
MacArthur addresses the difficult questions of a baby’s eternity. When people say, “Your baby is in heaven,” can we be sure of that? He addresses the inherit sin of mankind and the innate innocence of little ones with direct scriptural references. Ideal for the person who needs Biblical proof of these truths. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scriptural.
Safe in the Arms of Jesus
Robert Lightner. 92 pages.
The author provides a sound basis for our hope that little ones truly are “safe in the arms of Jesus.” Lightner argues that the one who is unable to make the decision for/against salvation in Christ before his/her death is not bound by the requirements of sin. An insightful read for either the grieving parent agonizing over the question and for the grief partner who is often faced with the question. Scriptural.
Empty Arms
Sherokee Ilse. 70 pages.
Having experienced, miscarriage, stillbirth and ectopic pregnancy herself, the author addresses several pertinent issues dealing with the death of a baby. She addresses the immediate issues/needs in the moment of loss as well as the long term needs of the grieving. Concise, helpful. Not scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.
Good guilt, Bad Guilt – and what to do with each
Becca Cowen Johnson. 174 pages.
Author explores the difference between good guilt, the purpose of a healthy conscience, and bad guilt, the shame that condemns. Cowen Johnson explores family expectations, religious expectations and cultural guilt. Chapters 12 through 17 address the actions needed to alleviate guilt in a healthy, God-inspired way. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent who is crippled by guilt at the loss of a baby.
When the Cradle Is Empty
John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter. 162 pages.
This book addresses the many issues couples experiencing infertility may face. As multiple miscarriages are common for infertile couples, this may help those struggling with two types of loss; the loss of a baby and the loss of hope. The couple addresses such issues as faith during loss, high-tech methods to achieve pregnancy, and finally the end of the journey. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent also dealing with infertility.
The Blessing Book
Linda Dillow. 131 pages.
The author addresses our reactions to different types of fear and pain as seen throughout the Psalms. The book is a guided study useful to anyone dealing with difficult circumstances. Scriptural. Recommended to grieving parents and the grief partner who desires a shared biblical study.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Secondary losses
A good friend of mine is a marriage and family therapist. She attended our recent Glory Babies partner training and (as usual) provided some great insights. One thing she talked about was secondary losses. She drew a diagram - but I'm not sure how to get that on here...I will if I figure it out! Basically, there's a circle in the middle of the page. Inside that circle you write down the loss (for example, a miscarriage). Then draw larger circles around that first circle - kind of like the rings on a tree. Each outer circle represents secondary losses. With a miscarriage, examples of secondary losses include the anniversary of the loss, the due date and anniversaries of that due date/birthday, Mother's Day, going to a baby shower, finding out a friend/sibling/coworker/etc is pregnant...the list goes on and on.
These secondary losses are things that can bring on all the emotions of the initial loss like a flood, often unexpectedly and out of the blue. By brainstorming potential secondary losses, you can anticipate those hard moments and take out a little bit of their sting. They will likely still be difficult, but oftentimes it is a tiny bit easier when you know they're coming, and you can even begin to process through them and decide how you'd like to respond (not that we always respond how we'd like to).
At that same training, one of the partners who attended said that one of her secondary losses was on her own birthday, because she had pictured having a new baby on her birthday that year and there wasn't one because of the miscarriage. This tool can be used for any type of loss (death of loved one, loss of job, disappointments in any area), and is something you can not only use for yourself, but something you can walk through with another person who experiences a loss. If you have ideas of other secondary losses that can occur with miscarriage, post a comment on this post.
These secondary losses are things that can bring on all the emotions of the initial loss like a flood, often unexpectedly and out of the blue. By brainstorming potential secondary losses, you can anticipate those hard moments and take out a little bit of their sting. They will likely still be difficult, but oftentimes it is a tiny bit easier when you know they're coming, and you can even begin to process through them and decide how you'd like to respond (not that we always respond how we'd like to).
At that same training, one of the partners who attended said that one of her secondary losses was on her own birthday, because she had pictured having a new baby on her birthday that year and there wasn't one because of the miscarriage. This tool can be used for any type of loss (death of loved one, loss of job, disappointments in any area), and is something you can not only use for yourself, but something you can walk through with another person who experiences a loss. If you have ideas of other secondary losses that can occur with miscarriage, post a comment on this post.
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